Earlier this week Sean Penn took the stage at the Hollywood Film Awards to present the supporting actress award to Julia Roberts for August: Osage County. He gave a seven-minute speech about her, and it was… iiiinteresting. In this case, “iiiinteresting” translates to “WTF did I just watch?!” You can tell the speech is going to be “iiiinteresting” when the first thing out of Sean’s mouth is: “Are the drinks free out here, too?” Infer what you will from that inquiry.
There’s a lot to absorb from this video, including the long, rambling part where he uses the phrase “prismed rainbow lightning” and calls the subject of his speech “Julia Fucking Roberts.” But the part that really stands out as the thing that will most haunt my dreams for weeks is Sean’s detailed description of his Julia Roberts 3D eating fantasy. At about 4:15, he declares she’s “one of the few actresses who can make onscreen eating sexy.” But he doesn’t stop there.
He spends the next minute and a half pitching his dream Julia Roberts film, a 3D piece which depicts Julia eating for his viewing pleasure. He also wants a virtual toothpick so he can chisel away at her enormous 3D chompers and “collect souvenirs” that he will then keep under his pillow while he sleeps to cure his insomnia? I’ll tell you what will definitely not cure my insomnia: hearing him describe that. He then goes into further detail about what specific food she should eat and exactly where in her mouth the food should get stuck. You know what, just watch it for yourself and then maybe you can explain it me.
My own personal Julia Roberts fantasy involves watching her watch this speech, all the while collecting the cringes that must have occurred like Sean collects food bits. That’s the only way I can think of to counteract this trauma.