You heard it here first, you guys. Last week when I was reporting on the whole controversy between coat-enthusiast with Melissa McCarthy and coat-deniers Elle Magazine, I said that the truth would out. That it would turn out that Melissa’s body hadn’t been shrouded in layers of coat against her will. That she embraced said coats, and held them close to her heart. That she willfully and unceasingly sought out coats with which to cover her body now and forever, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. And yes, I’m implying that she’s married to coats. Sorry to disillusion you, but Ben Falcone is moreso about a coat that is filled with a man and less so about the man who happens to fill that coat.
I said all those things in one form or another last week when I printed Elle‘s response, and now today, I am getting my comeuppance, as it turns out all to be true. Everyone got indignant on Melissa’s behalf when she appeared on the cover of Elle in a coat, while the three other models — Marion Cotillard, Shailene Woodley, and Reese Witherspoon – were pictured dressed much more scantily. They assumed that because she was only showing her face and about three square inches of neck skin, that the magazine was fat-shaming her, which has been an embarrassingly common theme in her past. But that turns out to be the case, and Melissa was actually surprised by the reaction of the public, as she made sure to explain at the ELLE Celebrates 20th Annual Women In Hollywood Event on Monday:
“I think they are crazy. I had a great dress on. I’m the one who grabbed the coat!”
See, you guys! I told you that they blindfolded her and spun her around and she found the only coat in the room. Nobody ever believes me when I come up with these crazy stories about celebrities being able to smell the difference between coats and blouses and ferret them out based on the pheromones they release, but now you see it’s all true! I hope you feel very foolish, because I am right and true love has triumphed:
“I loved my cover, I feel [sic] in love with that coat.”
See! Melissa is in love! And as you know, you can’t fall in love without pheromones. So I win the day, as does Melissa, as do coats. Huzzah.
(Image: Elle Magazine)