Despite preparing for the dreaded “Jennifer Aniston” question for years now, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt felt blindsided when their son Maddox recently asked who she was.
“Can I just say she’s my ex-wife?” Brad Pitt whispered to Angelina Jolie as Maddox fed his family of crocodiles.
“He’s 12 Brad! He’s not old enough to know what an ex-wife is yet,” Angelina Jolie whispered-snarled back at him.
“Well then what do we say?” Brad whispered-asked back.
“I don’t know,” whisper-responded Angelina, “can’t we just ignore the question and buy him more crocodiles for his collection?”
“I can hear you mom,” Maddox asked, “and seriously, who is Jennifer Aniston? I read about her at friends house. At least that’s what Wendy Williams said I did.”
Angelina sputtered and stuttered and spat, suddenly unable to form words, let alone answer her son. Her feet started to smoke and then to steam and then to shrivel. Her arms turned to wings and her head turned into a cover of Us Weekly. ”Jennifer Aniston Still Hates Angelina Jolie, Also Still Barren,” was written across the cover in big, bold letters — right in the place where here nose and her eyes and her mouth used to be.
“Mom? What’s wrong, what’s happening?” Maddox asked, concerned that his mother was transforming into a bat-like creature with a tabloid for a head.
“Don’t worry Mad, Daddy’s got this,” Brad said reassuringly as he wrapped his arms around her flapping wings and whispered into her ear, “You’re not a homewrecker, there was no love triangle. As a fully-functioning adult who’s capable of making decisions, I decided to leave my my wife — and that decision is in no way your fault.” He repeated the mantra over and over again, until his voice grew hoarse and his beard grew scraggly. Slowly, very slowly, her wings turned back to arms, her tabloid head turned back into a face with above-average features and her legs grew back.
“Aha! There’s my beautiful fiance,” Brad said with relief.
“Who wants ice cream?” Angelina asked as if nothing had happened.
“I do?” said Maddox as he made a mental note to never ask about Jennifer Aniston ever again.
(Photo: DLM Press, PacificCoastNews.com)