Happy birthday to Kim Kardashian, who has officially been taunting the globe with her inexplicable fame for thirty-three years. Not that most people need to take responsibility for the way they behave as a baby, but this is a Kardashian we’re talking about. Kris Jenner gets them started on shameless self-promotion as soon as she has them weaned off of the coconut water that leaks from her nips whenever she hears an infant cry. (I can’t tell you how many blouses she’s ruined since North West came into the world.)
I’m betting you’re already picking up what you think is a slightly snarky tone, and you know what? You’re right — I am being a little rude, especially considering it’s her birthday. But it’s because I’m irritated! I honestly wanted to write a positive, complimentary post today about Kim Kardashian, but when I sat down with Jenni to think of an angle, we couldn’t come up with a single one. Everything I pitched was instantly undermined as soon as I spent more than thirty seconds on her Instagram, or her Twitter, or even my own website. We actually write about her kind of a lot.
So in case you haven’t put it together yet, Kim kind of ruined her birthday for me. It was a rude thing to do, and she did it by not being three-dimensional enough for me to write something unique about her today, that could stand out in the crowd. But I, ever the sore loser, have decided not to let that deter me. Instead of continuing to rack my brain for a new idea only to have it dashed to pieces, I decided to just tell you all the posts I couldn’t write about Kim on her birthday. A behind-the-scenes look, if you will. You’re welcome.
- What If I Kind Of Love Kim Kardashian?
Let’s not get crazy.
- What If I Don’t Hate Kim Kardashian?
- What If I Find Kim Kardashian Kind Of Tolerable?
- True Life: One Time I Heard A Story About Kim Kardashian And Didn’t Roll My Eyes
- Here Is An Article About Kim Kardashian
Alexis. Come on.
- I Bet You Can’t Guess What This Article Says About Kim Kardashian!
- I Promise Never To Write An Article About Kim Kardashian Ever Again
But…this is your job.
- I Promise Not To Write Another Article About Kim Kardashian For The Rest Of The Day
But…what if she flaunts her post-baby bod again?
- I Promise I’ve Never Written An Article About Kim Kardashian
But…you’re doing it right now.
- 10 Things That Rhyme With Kardashian
- 9 Things That Rhyme With Kardashian
- 1 Thing That Rhymes With Kardashian?
- I’m Smashing In Kim Kardashian
No. Implies violence. Or that I’m wearing her skin as a coat. Also get over the rhyme thing.
- Here’s Why Kim Would Make The Best Skin Coat Out Of All Her Sisters
You might actually be a serial killer.
- Here’s Why Kim Is The Healthiest Out Of All Her Sisters
- Here’s Why Kim Has The Softest Skin Out Of All Her Sisters
- Have You Ever Noticed That Kim Kardashian Has A Glorious Pelt?
- Winter Is Coming, You Should Get Yourself A Kim Coat
- 15 Ways To Tell That Kim Kardashian Is Not A Dalmatian And I Am Not Cruella DeVille
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.
- A List Of Things In Kim Kardashian’s House That I Could Afford To Buy
- A List Of Items That North West Wears That I Could Afford To Lease
- Just A Few Things That North West Has Drooled On That I Could Also Afford To Touch
- 22 Lies That North West Told Me About Us Being Equals
- At Least I Could Beat North West In A Fight
WHO ARE YOU.
- At Least Being A Mom Has Made Kim Kardashian More Self-Aware
- It’s Nice To See That Kim Isn’t Stressing About Losing The Pregnancy Weight
- What A Relief That Kim Doesn’t Regret Every Single Thing About Being Pregnant
Wait but she does. She made that very clear.
- At Least Kids Never Figure Out How To Use Google
- Here’s Why Kim’s Sex Tape Is The Least Of Her Worries
- Here’s Why Kim’s Sex Tape Won’t Be That Big Of A Deal For North
- If Kris Jenner Can Handle Kim’s Sex Tape, Then So Can North West!
My god. I’m an animal.
- In Defense of Kim And Kanye Having Two Nannies For One Child
- Here’s Why It’s Good That Kimye Doesn’t Touch Their Own Baby
- The Nicest Things Kim Has Ever Done For People Not Herself
Can’t even think of two and definitely need more.
- 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn’t Have
- 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn’t Have On Air
- 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn’t Have On Air Over Nothing
- 14 Tantrums That Kim Kardashian Didn’t Have On Air Over Nothing In Full Makeup
This is impossible.
- Let’s Just Admit That Kim Kardashian Gave Marriage Her Best Shot
- Let’s Just Admit That Kim Kardashian Gave Divorce Her Best Shot
- 8 Occasions On Which Kim Missed The Opportunity To Take A Selfie
- 8 Occasions On Which Kim And Kanye Avoided The Spotlight
- Here’s Why Kim And Kanye Should Be Your New Favorite Couple
- I Mean, Maybe Kim And Kanye Aren’t The Worst Couple Ever?
- Please Don’t Buy A Time Machine To Go Back And Erase The Moment That Kimye First Met
- If You Have A Time Machine, Please Use It To Kill Voldemort Instead
- Because At Least Kim And Kanye Have Never Sexted Over the Internet
- Actually Voldemort Is Fictional, And Kimye Has Sexted Over The Internet, So Please Use It To Make Sure They Never Meet
- I’m Very Sorry, You Were Obviously Right The First Time
Not even a legible article title. What would this possibly be about? Doesn’t even reference Kim Kardashian.
- I Give Up On Kim Kardashian
Green light it!
And there you have it. Not an ounce of truth to any single one of those. How do I dare to call myself a journalist?