Okay Cumberbitches, family meeting. Everyone into the living room, because we have something to discuss, and I’m not happy with any of you. Where were you this weekend? The guy you supposedly obsess over, Benedict Cumberbatch — do you know what he was up to on Friday, October 18th? He was opening up a little movie called The Fifth Estate, in which he plays Julian Assange, the figure at the center of Wikileaks.
And no! You don’t get to nod your head like you knew that, because I know for a fact that none of you were there. Not a single one of you showed up to support your boy Bennybatch, and now you’re going to have to live with the fact that it’s your fault that The Fifth Estate had the worst opening of any movie this year. ANY MOVIE. And it’s October, so that’s ten months of movies that just beat this gem out.
But how could you not see it, guys? I don’t care that it was boring and that I was practically snoozing through it even at the screening — Benedict was in that movie, and that should be enough for you to get off your bumsicles and into a theater. He was counting on us! Last week, when Entertainment Weekly asked if he was nervous about the real Julian Assange’s reception of the movie, he said, AND I QUOTE, “The Cumberbitches have got my back.”
But did you, Cumberbitches? Did you have the back of that trusting man who charged into battle with a whole host of better movies? Did you make sure that this movie made more than $1.7 million in its opening weekend even though it cost a reported $26 million to produce? No you did not. You did the opposite of those things, and The Fifth Estate ended up with a $969 location average. Which is seriously wretched. So, you guys failed. We’re clear on that, right? I’m hoping you’re already calling yourselves the Cumbersnitches, so that I don’t have to. I mean what else could I possibly refer to you as, after you crawled off to see other peoples’ movies this weekend?
Unless, of course, you were busy seeing Benedict’s other movie, 12 Years A Slave, which also came out this weekend in limited release with a much better location average of $960,000. That’s the only alibi that I’ll except from any of you, so let’s see those ticket stubs.