• Fri, Oct 18 - 1:29 pm ET

Drake Wants You To Know That You’d Better Stop Calling Him Emotional, Or Else He’ll Cry

Drake iHeartRadio Music Festival September 22 2013 Las Vegas Nevada

Alright, you troublemakers, listen up and listen good. Drake has had enough (!!!) of everyone calling him emotional and sad just because all of his songs are about non-happy emotions. Seriously, everyone, songwriters are just like professional actors and they never write about their real life feelings. Taylor Swift has actually never even been in a relationship and Lorde is actually a distant relative of the Royal Windsors. So why is it that, just because Drake talks about clutching his pillow at night and squeezing tears out of his eyes holes over ex-girlfriends, is everyone assuming that that’s his real life?!

According to Bossip, Drake took to Q Radio to set the record straight once and for all.

“I’m so sick of people saying that I’m lonely and emotional, and associating me with this longing for a woman…Yeah, I hate that, man. It bothers me so much. I do make music that makes you feel something. But I’m actually not that guy in real life. My life is constantly exciting. It’s not some sad, depressing story.”

Phew! I’m so glad that he finally let everyone know the real deal! All of this time, I was thinking that he was singing true things about heartache, when all along, that was just his alter ego, Draco! That’s it, I’m saying sayonara to the life I’m currently living because, from this day on, I’m devoting myself to letting everyone that they don’t know the real Drake. Put down your Drake meme markers everyone, because there is no “Drake is sad” joke to be told any longer. And, please, don’t you ever forget that he is Father YOLO, creator of all of the little Yolersons running around right now. Would a person with even one feeling (or, even a fraction of a sentiment) be able to start an entire cultural phenomenon? No, they would not. Just ask Miley, she knows all about the inner workings of historical movements.

Also, another very important thing that you should know about him is that he is super classy. I’m talking the-second-half-of-The-Princess-Diaries classy and nothing less.

“What bothers me most is sometimes I feel like I don’t get enough credit ’cause I’m not enough of a loose cannon. People just want me to go off more and lose my composure. That’s not me. I’m a naturally poised individual.”

Welp, sign me up for Charm School with this fine sir as soon as there is an opening because I’m sure he could whip me right into tactful shape. I’ll forget how to slouch and won’t know any swear words once he’s done teaching me his ways. Please, join me in giving him all of the credit in the world, as his copious amounts of money and awards in recognition of his work have proven to not be enough. Again, I’m so relieved that he’s voicing these concerns, otherwise I’d never know that he was feeling neglected in the street cred department. Goodness, he’s just so good at helping us help him. Here, Drake, take some credit for that.

Honestly, if he wants everyone to believe that he isn’t a hyper-emotional (which really isn’t even that big of a problem, in my opinion), he might want to look into not whining about them thinking that. Also, requesting pats on the back is a sure-fire way to get the exact opposite. Just FYI. But don’t worry, I’m planning to let him know all of this stuff on our first day of Charm School.

(Photo: Judy Eddy/WENN)

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  • Katie

    Next hit: Supa Poized

    • Olivia Wilson

      Good one! And it WON’T be a sad song because he’s trying to make a statement, here.