• Thu, Oct 17 - 2:27 pm ET

Topless Nicki Minaj Is More Terrifying Than You Might Expect

Nicki Minaj topless boobs leopard print pasties Instagram 2013I consider myself to be a pretty savvy internet user, not one to shrink away from the screen at the first nip slip…but something about this topless photo of Nicki Minaj that she posted to her Instagram is really off-putting to me and I’d like to be able to figure out why. After all, I had almost no issues with Kim Kardashian posting that photo of her wedgie earlier, so what gives? Let’s break this down element by element.

THE SIZE

Right off the bat, the sheer size and shape of these jumblies is pretty intimidating. The camera angle she’s chosen has made this whole situation feel very IMAX and I’m suitably overwhelmed.

THE TIME

This gem went up at around 1:00pm. I thought the daylight hours were safe, and I did not have my guard up. A mistake I won’t make again.

THE PASTIES

I think somehow this would be more palatable if it was just bare boobies. Because the purple color and the leopard print remind me of, like, cartoon starfish or something. Like the ones that Ariel wore in The Little Mermaid so she wasn’t flashing the undersea world.

THE JEWELRY

The way she’s done up with her heavy chains and make-up and hair and stuff…am I to presume that she’s going out dressed like this? And to what? Where is this an acceptable outfit? And will she be wearing a coat? It’s October! What if she gets a chill?

THE FACE

I’m no selfie expert, but if I was sending a topless photo to something, I think I’d want my face to be giving a sultry vibe like, “Yeah, you like these funbags? Gaze upon them…” (That’s what sultry means, right?) But this photo is a little more shouty, like “YEAH BOOBS YEAH WATCH YOUR HANDS THEY BITE.”

And now…back to work. Fingers crossed that no one else attacks me with their photo cleavage today. I don’t think my nerves can take it.

(Image: Instagram)

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