Possible Reasons Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Want Vanity Fair To Print Their Takedown Of Her

Gwyneth Paltrow you suc

Vanity Fair magazine has decided to move forward with a very special treat for those of us who never tire of reading about the goings-on of Gwyneth Paltrow’s gluten-free life. Editor-in-chief Graydon Carter told the Times of London that the publication will run a story on Gwyneth from “a very good writer” (very controversial decision not to go with a bad writer) despite her reported feud with them. What feud, you ask? Oh, just the feud that revealed itself in the text of an email the New York Times reported Gwyneth sent to her Hollywood besties telling them not to do anything with the magazine ever again.

“Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine,” Ms. Paltrow wrote by e-mail, according to someone who had seen the message. “If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.”

If anything, Gwyneth’s rant just made the magazine even more likely to run the article. As Carter explained, “Well, she sort of forced my hand.” He went on to basically say that no one is safe, so watch out Hollywood fancypants!

“Some famous people believe that they live in a cone of celebrity that protects them. But it doesn’t really exist anymore in L.A. unless they stay in.”

Clearly we at Crushable are very excited to curl up with a yummy mug of heated air and read this article when it’s printed. But until then all we can do is speculate about what could possibly be revealed in this article that Gwyneth felt the need to ban her friends from commenting. So here we present a few possible tidbits Vanity Fair could reveal about Gwyneth Paltrow that would simply ruin her.

  • She sometimes smokes her Saturday evening cigarette on a Wednesday evening. And sometimes (the horror!) on a Sunday afternoon.
  • She had her infamous pubic hair replaced with cashmere plugs and doesn’t want anyone to think she’s wasteful for shaving such expensive pubes to show off her side butt.
  • Taylor Swift wrote “I Knew You Were Trouble” about her because she once forgot to bring the radicchio for the salad they were making together.
  • Apple’s name is technically a nickname for “Apple Pie A La Mode.” So shameful.
  • She paid People magazine in $50 jars of honey to make her the World’s Most Beautiful Woman just so she’d have an opportunity to look humble about it.
  • Jay-Z still isn’t quite sure who she is and just nods politely whenever she talks to him about what a great friend he is.
  • She once ate a fried chicken egg. FRIED. CHICKEN. EGG!!!
  • California is going to pass “Gwyneth’s Law” prohibiting celebrity Vespas from driving on the same roads as school buses.

Now we just have to wait and see which of these scandals turn out to be true. My money’s on all of them.

(GIF: Tumblr)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Olivia Wilson

      What is a fried chicken egg and how do I get 800 of them?

      • MCR

        Fried Chicken Egg: Take the egg of a chicken. Break it into a frying pan. Fry it.

      • Olivia Wilson

        Ahh, you see, I read that weirdly as an egg that was fried like chicken is fried. Excuse me while I go work on my reading comprehnsion.

      • MCR

        I read it the same way the first time. I’ve never heard it called a “fried chicken egg” before. That Jill is such a fancy-pants wordsmith.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Well, you see, Gwyneth only eats the finest duck eggs so I felt the need to specify chicken. But I won’t rule out a chicken-fried egg as a possible scandal.

      • MCR

        I had no idea she was strictly duck-only. Yes, getting caught scarfing down common hens’ eggs would be humiliating, all right.

      • HemeraDemeter

        There is such a thing as a scotch egg which involves wrapping an egg in bacon, coating it in bread crumbs, and frying it like chicken. (There are some modern recipes that bake it instead, though.)

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      “Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on their cover.”


    • The Redhead

      There better be something good in that article, or I am going to be very disappointed.

    • LadyJustice

      I believe it’s going to be something to do with sex addiction. I could be wrong! Either way, Gwyneth needs to get over herself. She’s seriously not that interesting. Poop or Goop she puts her pants on, the same way the rest of us pheasants do.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        “Poop or Goop” is my new motto.

    • pushkin

      Cashmere pube plugs! How the hell did you come up with that??! Hilarious!

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Only the best for Gwyneth.

    • Ria

      I love Gwyneth…I know she’s wacky but I still love her:)

    • http://twilightirruption.blogspot.com/ abbeysbooks

      Paltrow is a very fine actress. Let it go.Who cares what she eats and shits.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I care because I am currently collecting her shits for an exhibition I’m putting on at the Met.

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