Happy birthday to John Mayer, who turns thirty-six today! Which is sooo crazy, because he doesn’t talk like he’s a day over fifteen! Zing. Maybe you guys have forgotten, because Katy Perry is a really great babysitter and keeps John mostly out of the media (and generously supplied with juice boxes), but he was really on a tear for a while there. Remember, he was coming off dating a string of people including Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Jessica Simpson? It was 2010ish, and everyone’s favorite thing to do was to give him crap for being a womanizer and immature and whatever.
We probably didn’t think much of it at the time, but I think we might’ve accidentally fueled his douchebaggery fires. With the benefit of hindsight, I’m becoming more and more aware of the fact that every time public opinion of John escalated to a particularly negative platform…he took it that much further. Every time we offhandedly called him a dick, he pulled that mantle more tightly around his shoulders and really made a point of taking that on for us. He protested being called a bad guy, but every time he went to explain himself he only made it worse. He was the douchebag we needed but not the one we deserved.
Which is how we found ourselves in 2010, right in the middle of DoucheCon 5, with those now infamous interviews with Playboy and Rolling Stone. My new opinion is that every quote in those interviews is a response to us calling him twatty. Every time we pointed out his douchiness, he upgraded himself to a whole new level of icky behavior and erratic quotes and nonsense talk. He could barely finish getting heat for one comment before he was out trying to explain his way out of it and making things way worse. THIS IS ALL OUR FAULT.
Don’t believe me? Behold — 11 Of John Mayer’s Douchiest Reactions To Being Called A Douchebag. Science.
1. Hey John, you’re kind of a dick about intelligence stuff. This is weird, but you don’t think you’re smarter than us, do you?
“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box… so when I meet someone who’s an 8-color type… I’m like, ‘hey girl, magenta!’ and she’s like, ‘oh, you mean purple!’ and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, ‘no — I want magenta!’”
Oh okay. So you do think we’re stupid. Sorry I asked.
2. Hey John, you’re paying attention to me during sex, right? Because you have a reputation for really loving masturbation, and I want to make sure I mean more than that to you.
“During sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.”
3.This being douchey thing is just from getting famous though, right? Like, you definitely weren’t like this as a kid, right?
“I would act up and get sent to the dean’s office and talk to him as though I was an adult. ‘I’m not trying to upset anybody, sir. With all due respect to you and your staff, I’m just not supposed to be here. It’s quite difficult for me to sit in class, because I’m supposed to be a guitar player, sir.’ I was very cocky.”
Well, I tried.
4. At least you’re only a douchebag in one direction, though. At least you’re not racist or anything.
“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”
Aside from the racism aspect, dating separately from your dick will be very painful. I don’t recommend it.
5. But thank you for not saying the n-word or anything anyway. I mean, that’d be over the douche line, even for you.
“I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me. Someone asked me the other day, ‘What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?’ And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass?”
Oh John. Oh John John John. What have we done to you?
6. But at least you’re making sure it’s only about you. Thanks for not bringing other people into this.
“Kerry Washington — she’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.’ And you’d be like, ‘What? We weren’t talking about that.’”
You’re right. We weren’t. Sigh.
7. So you’re racist. That sucks. But at least you’re not homophobic.
“The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”
Oh good. You got all the vocab in there. Perfect.
8. Well bottom line, at least he’s all about you in bed. He may be a douchebag, but at least he’s focused on you and only you.
“When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say “No one’s ever done that to me in bed.’”
9. But he has some self-awareness, right? You’d have to. He knows he’s not actually god’s gift to women. Let’s reject him, ladies, and teach him a lesson!
“Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”
But wait. No. You can’t do that. I’m rejecting you, not giving you a blowie. Don’t turn this around on me. That’s…so douchey. Advantage Mayer.
10. Well thank god he keeps his mouth shut about his past relationships. He’d never say anything negative in the media about Jessica Simpson, right?
“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.”
Huh. I guess that was sort of positive? So it’s really my fault for not specifying.
11. But at least Taylor Swift is off-limits. I remember how bummed out you were when she wrote ‘Dear John’, saying, “I will say as a songwriter that I think it’s kind of cheap songwriting.” So you’d never write a response song back to her about that relationship, right?
(Image: Ivan Nikolov / WENN.com)