Chris Brown Tactfully Accuses Rihanna Of Having Sex With Every Single Person Ever

Chris Brown performing on Today Show August 2013After earning himself a brief reprieve from my constant criticism by helping to support gay marriage a few weeks ago, Chris Brown is back in the limelight for doing what he does best — being a douchebag. Being empathetic was fun and all, I guess, but in general being detestable is much more in his wheelhouse, so he tends to focus on that skill set.

And you know what’s not in that skill set? Keeping your mouth shut about previous relationships. I didn’t think he could dig himself any deeper a hole in regards to Rihanna than he already had, but that’s just me not taking his extraordinary talents seriously. In a new, previously unreleased rap on DJ Khaled‘s track called ‘I’m Still’, Chris doesn’t use anybody’s names, but he implies that…ahem…someone he used to date has…um…been intimate with a lot of people in the industry. Or everyone in the industry. Tomato, tomato. (That doesn’t work when you write it down, turns out.)

Except he uses different phrasing than I just did, because he’s not a lady like I am. Or a gentleman, either. Here’s the specific line I’m talking about, which comes after a particularly telling line about ‘diamonds’, which is what makes me think it references Rihanna. Sorry about the language.

“Now every nigga in the industry done fucked my bitch, and all my niggas said, ‘I told ya’.”

Wow. Classy. And yeah, Chris, I’m sure all your friends really warned you about Rihanna. God forbid she should tarnish your reputation in the industry as an upstanding lad with a wink and a smile just trying to make it in the world of music. You’re so oppressed and put upon, Chris Brown – just like Jesus, as you remind us all the time. Or at least, a version of Jesus who beats up ladies and doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and shuns community service. That’s a thing, right?


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    • Olivia Wilson

      Are we sure that he isn’t actually a middle schooler? Like, completely positive?

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I can’t prove anything.

      • roxithefox

        This post is well written and it is the best description anyone has made of Chris Brown. Kudos.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Hey, thanks so much! I really appreciate it!

    • Lisa

      He is such an angry, insecure person. Oh, did I mention he is angry?

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Wait but is he angry though? I can’t remember.

    • boywithbluehanger

      Is there ever a day when he doesn’t suck at life?

    • whiteroses

      Ah, Chris Brown- the epitome of class, tact and grace, who always treats women with the utmost respect.

      It’s beyond me why he’s still relevant.

    • vanessa

      Once a loser…always a

      • Alexis Rhiannon


    • Christina

      He should have
      thanked his lucky stars he once had it so good in the music business…dating the
      reigning queen of pop and making good music. Some people would have killed to be in that
      position. But good ole Chris showed his true colors, a self-centered, selfish,
      always thug. Good article..he is a douchebag.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Thanks for reading! I definitely agree with you!