Three years ago I sat in a theater weeping as several animated toys clasped their hands together and prepared to die as a family. I haven’t felt that much emotion since then. However that could all change when the Toy Story characters return in an ABC TV special called Toy Story of Terror tomorrow night. I could revert back to my Toy Story 3 self and spend the day questioning my own mortality as well as the inevitability of change. Or I could just spend the time thinking about why Woody is the worst. Yeah, I said it. He’s the worst cowboy in the whole world. Not only because we never see him wrangle a single cow in the three movies, but also because he’s a cocky little asshole. Before you freak out on me for ruining one of the only acceptable animated movie franchises, let me say that I’m only saying this out of love for the movies. Pure, unadulterated love. So with that in mind, let’s talk about Woody and why he would be the worst boyfriend ever and why you should therefore stop looking at him like some kind of hero.
First of all, we can’t go any further into this conversation without addressing this doll’s blatant narcissism. Sorry Bo Peep, this guy’s in l-o-v-e with himself. To the point that he can’t believe that Andy liked another toy as much as him. Think it would be fun to date a guy like that? Think again. Or more specifically, think about how he’ll react when he sees you talking to another guy. Sure it’s totally platonic, but Woody won’t understand that. Nope, he’ll send that guy to Sid faster than you can say, “seriously Woody, we’re just friends!” And heaven forbid you break up and meet your very own Buzz. He’ll break the dude’s arm off!
On a similar note, we should discuss the fact that Woody’s clearly a benevolent dictator type. Which is probably not something that you list on your OkCupid profile as being desirable. As long as he’s allowed to be in charge of the situation, everything runs smoothly. But if you dare to make a decision that differs from his, you’re doomed. Just absolutely doomed. Remember that time Buzz arrived and Woody turned into the Kim Jong Un of the Toy Box. Imagine being on a date with that kind of guy. You know he’d be all like, “I’m getting a beer, but order whatever you want, nothing is too expensive” and then freak out because you did and it’s expensive and he doesn’t get paid until Thursday and you’re trying to bankrupt him because you’re a golddigging skank. “You know that the cowboy industry’s drying up in Manhattan” he’d yell at you while everyone else in the bar looked on, “do you think I want to wear this vest every day? Do you think I wear the same, stupid skinny jeans every day because I like them? NO! I do it because I can’t afford anything else!”
And while we’re talking about rants, can we talk about his little temper tantrums. He has them a lot. Unlike toddler temper tantrums, these come in the form of extended pity parades. If you met the guy in the middle of Toy Story 2, you’d think he was being followed by a rain cloud and an Avril-Lavigne-lookalike who follows him around town singing “I just don’t know what to do with myself” on repeat. “Wahhh, I don’t know if I should stay with my old family who loves me or my new family who also loves me, wahhhh” is essentially his entire schtick for the majority of T.S.2. Picture that pity parade at a family event that you asked him to come to that happens to occur during a football game he really wanted to watch with his buddies. Oh he’ll go to your grandmother’s funeral, but he will not go happily. He’ll sit in that pew with his phone out the entire time, checking the score, texting his friends and grumbling aloud about how bored he is during the service.
So yeah, ladies, don’t date Woody. He’s not the nice guy that he pretends to be in the movie. He’s an egomaniac who will break your heart. But do enjoy Toy Story of Terror and do date any other character from the franchise!