World’s oldest teenager Madonna made headlines this week for texting during a movie and subsequently getting kicked out, and I don’t know why you’d expect anything less from a fifty-five year old woman in a screening for a movie with Oscar buzz. It’s not like she should know better or anything. The movie in question was 12 Years A Slave, which is supposed to be awesome, and the theater was Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, which has a strict no-texting and no-talking policy. But considering Madge refuses to acknowledge that the aging of the human body is a real thing, do you really think she’ll be respectful of your silly rules and regulations? Probably not, judging by what happened:
“Tonight at the New York Film Festival premiere of 12 Years A Slave (a masterpiece, by the way), I sat behind the unholy trifecta of Jason Ritter, J. Alexander from America’s Next Top Model, and Michael K. Williams from The Wire. Plus, a mysterious blonde in black lace gloves who wouldn’t stop texting on her Blackberry throughout the first half of the movie. Eventually, a woman next to me tapped her on the shoulder and told her to put her phone away, and the blonde hissed back, ‘It’s for business… ENSLAVER!’ I turned to the shoulder tapper and loudly said, ‘THANKS!’ and gave her a thumbs up. The rest of the movie, I kept thinking about how I wanted to tell the blonde what a disgrace she was. During the standing ovation, the blonde ducked out and Jason Ritter turned around to make commiserating eye contact, as J. Alexander asked, ‘Who WAS that?!’ Jason then looked down at the floor. His eyes got wide, and he picked up an envelope and showed it to us and J. And it said: ’2 screening tix MADONNA.’ And sure enough, we looked to the side of the theater and standing against the wall in black lace gloves was Madonna. The worst person in America.”
First of all, what a motley crew of humans to be seated all in the same row together. I feel like I’m looking at some sort of crime wall on Law & Order: SVU trying to figure out what the four of them have in common and how I can connect them with little pieces of yarn.
But second of all, what, Madonna? What what what? What are you up to in your little lace gloves? I understand a celebrity texting all the way through a movie, because that’s what I’ve come to expect from people that self-absorbed, but I do not in any way understand your insane retort after being asked to put your phone away.
‘Enslaver’? What? Did you accidentally use your robo-powers to hack into the movie and download it into your brain so you felt like you were really there, experiencing everything? So when your shoulder got tapped, you assumed it was by a slave-owner and not by a fellow movie-goer? Or did your android brain assume that the person who tapped you on the shoulder wanted to sell your Blackberry into slavery? Either way, her brain has to be made out of metal parts, because that’s the only explanation that makes any sense to me.
But this has become a real thing, with Madonna actually banned after the story reached the theater’s CEO, Timothy Teague, who tweeted:
— Tim League (@timalamo) October 11, 2013
Yes. Yes yes yes yes, I love it. I hate when celebrities are given different rules or standards than the rest of us. I think it only makes them feel more entitledto behave badly, which is a disservice to everyone around them. If you want to text and talk and be rude during movies, watch them in your own home. I’m sure you can even afford to install a full screening theater. But I’m kind of glad she hasn’t done that, because if she had, we’d never have gotten this amazing story, or get to see Tim League stand up for himself by reinforcing his previous statement:
“Yeah, I’m serious, but I don’t think it really affects her life that much.”
Hahaha yeah, good call. It probably matters zero percent to her, but it’s still a strong gesture and I appreciate it. He says initially the tweet was an ‘offhand joke, a spur of the moment 140 characters’ that was ‘more of a means to get the issue out there, that it is rude to text during movies. But now that it seems to have taken hold, sure, I’m going to enforce it.”