You guys! Charlie Hunnam dropped out of Fifty Shades Of Grey. What what WHAT is going on here? I can’t stop laughing at this. First of all, I’d never even heard of Charlie until his casting was announced — and even he wants no part of the movie? Especially considering the reason he gave for not being able to do it was the equivalent of saying, “Oh hey do you hear that? It sounds like my TV show might be calling me. I better go see what it wants…don’t wait up!” It doesn’t bode well for the film existing in any capacity.
And second of all, this movie is supposed to have a release date of August 2014, right? And that was already optimistic when it was cast at the beginning of September 2013. How are they expecting to make it happen now with a month and a half less time and no Christian Grey cast? You need to pull it together, Fifty Shades, and I’m just the person to help you do it.
Because you see, this movie has a stigma now, so you need to find someone who has nothing to lose. No reputation to damage. No image to ruin. So I came up with a little listy-poo of people who I think fit that description. I recommend calling them in any order you want and seeing who will be the first to send you their acceptance Edible Arrangement first.
1. Shia LaBeouf
He’d have to take some time off from his feud with Alec Baldwin, but other than that, Shia’s pretty available these days, and has certainly proven that he doesn’t give one eff about his reputation in the press. He was even included on Reddit’s list of the worst actors to work with on set! Bonus!
2. Billy Ray Cyrus
People will only listen to him talk about his crush on Miley or settling for sloppy seconds with his younger daughter Noah for so long before he fades back into obscurity, so you know Billy Ray will jump at any chance to get his name back on the internet. Even if it means putting his peen on the big screen.
3. James Franco
Now here’s a man who apparently never says no to a project, even if he sleeps through it, like he did cohosting the Oscars with Anne Hathaway in 2011. He’s so unpredictable that I don’t think anyone would bat an eye if he signed on to the Fifty Shades cast.
4. Michael Lohan
If you can find someone with less shame than Michael Lohan, please feel free to offer him the job, but bear in mind that he’s gonna have to say stuff about his kid, whoever that may be, that’s worse than what Michael said about his daughter Ashley Horn. Good luck.
5. Nicolas Cage
Haven’t seen Nic in a while, but I hear he’s in foreclosure, so there’s probably no better time to snap him up. He might be the highest profile name on this list, too!
6. Spencer Pratt
Remember Spencer?? I’m sure he’d love to do your little movie! You don’t even have to pay him that much, just give him a reason to leave the house so he can get a brief respite from caring for his wife Heidi Montag in between surgical procedures. You might have to wring him out a little bit, because he’s looking perhaps a tad more plumpy than befits a Christian Grey, but he’s got nothing to lose!
7. The Situation
Here’s a thought — why not just put the whole cast in a house together, get them drunk, turn on the cameras, and see what happens? Jersey Shore style. You’d probably get a movie with very similar production values, at like half the cost. The Situation would play Christian, of course, and you could have a rotating cast of Anastasias, based on who he brings home. I’m a genius.
8. Jaden Smith
Anything that will get him further away from the passionate embrace of Will Smith is okay by him. Sure he’s young for the role, but as long his dad buys the movie and puts him in it, I’m sure it’ll work out just as well as it always does.
9. Andy Cohen
Don’t you think Andy would have just the best time ever? I mean aside from the fact that he looooooves being on TV, this movie would have so much more breaking of the fourth wall if Andy was in it. And I would love every moment.
10. Kanye West
If you could just trick Kanye into showing up on set for enough days in a row, you could probably get him to film it without even realizing it. HE IS A GOD.
11. A Lesser Baldwin
I’m told this is Stephen Baldwin, but any lesser, non-Alec Baldwin will do. They’re born wearing suits anyway, so they certainly won’t look out of place. The acting might be a problem, but it doesn’t seem like that’s a big concern for this movie anyway, so whatevs.
12. Joey Fatone
(Photo: Ivan Nikolov/WENN)
There’s still time for Joey to become the most successful member of ‘NSync, right?