Taylor Swift Likes Shady Guys With A Secret, So May I Recommend Lord Voldemort?

Taylor Swift on the cover of In Style November 2013 issueNoted cyborg Taylor Swift has finally analyzed the data coming into her robo-brain and cyber-eyes (I mean have you seen that picture up above?) and discovered that she might not have the best taste in guys. WHAT. Physically stop all of the presses in their pressings, because this is a very self-aware comment from someone who was getting dangerously close to being void of all self-awareness.

In speaking to InStyle for their November 2013 cover, Taylor revealed that she maybe finally knows what we know about dudes like Joe Jonas, John Mayer, and Jake Gyllenhaal — that they were totally wrong for her, and maybe more than a little douchenozzley. Or maybe a lot, in the case of Joe Jonas. But regardless, she’s aware that something might be a little off about the way she chooses guys:

“I think it needs to change. My friends tease me about the fact that if someone seems bad or shady or like they have a secret, I find them incredibly interesting. That’s just a phase I’ve been in lately. I don’t think this should be how I proceed in life. It’s important to be self-aware about these things because you don’t want to end up with that guy.”

OMG you guys. Before you go changing up the whole game and adjusting your standards, I have the best dude in mind for you, Taylor. He’s edgy and cool and interesting, and he has maybe the biggest secret ever. I mean people aren’t even supposed to say his name. What’s more secretive than that? It’s Lord Voldemort! You know, from Harry Potter? Get on board. You might think I’m kidding, but I seriously think that these two would work out.

First of all, he lives in a whole different world than us, so Taylor could stay strong and independent and still get in her time with Meredith without having some co-dependent guy hanging around all the time. Secondly he’s old, so he probably likes antiquing and staying in, and he’s most likely never even seen Titanic, so you’d have a lot to teach him! And finally, Tom Riddle was actually really handsome, so maybe you’re just the lady to soften his heart and bring him back to what he used to be! What’s not to love?

“I haven’t been [in a relationship] in a long time. I’d like to think if you’re with the right person, you just feel great about things you’ve never felt great about before. At least that’s how I’ve heard it’s supposed to be. I wouldn’t know.”

This is perfect! Voldemort hasn’t been in a relationship in forever either! You guys are a match made in heaven Hogwarts.

“Sometimes you know after two dates that you’re not the right fit. And sometimes you know you’re not the right fit, and you fall for it anyway. One thing I’ve learned that I’m proud of – drum roll, please – is when to walk away. I’ve had some short relationships because I know when to do that.”

Oh man. I’m a genius. These two are literally perfect mates. Because if anyone knows when to walk away from a relationship, it’s Voldemort. I mean, Avada Kedavra, anyone?

(Image: InStyle)

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    • Olivia Wilson

      Hope she doesn’t accidentally call him Harry!

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Oh my god he would hate that.

    • Meredith Hirt

      This is just genius.

    • Daniel21

      Alexis—i know you’re trying to be all edgy and cool, talking about Taylor having a robo-brain and cyber-eyes and everything. And then you go on your long riff about how Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter would be a great match for Taylor Swift? Well, this may come as a shock to you, but i don’t know anything about Voldemort. I never read the Potter series. Neither have most of my friends. We weren’t into them. It seems like mostly Yuppie spawn kids who thought they were really cool read Potter books. They were also the ones whose Yuppie parents took away our school’s Halloween Fun House and replaced it with a Harry Potter House. The Yuppie parents dressed up like Potter characters.. It was creepy and unfun.

      And Alexis? I think you’re probably out of school now, and cool.. But it’s kind of creepy you write about a Harry Potter character at your age, like you think everyone is in on the joke.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        It sounds like you have a lot to work through!

      • Daniel21

        Yeah, but I’m afraid I don’t have the time to work through all the Potter books, Alexis.

      • Daniel21

        Your last name sounded familiar, Alexis. Rhiannon, I wonder, is it your real last name? I looked it up and found out it’s the name of a famous song by Stevie Nicks. It’s interesting, because she likes Taylor Swift so much, and it seems like you don’t. But she’s a songwriter like Swift is, so maybe she understands things better.

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