Here’s a fun fact you might not know. Celebrities have sex. Incredible, right? I bet you were wondering where all those adorable celebrity babies came from. Turns out, celebs do it just as much as normal people. In fact, sometimes they do it more than normal people, and they really want to tell us all about it.
Because here’s the thing about celebrities talking about their sex lives. Sometimes it can be really refreshing and honest, and other times you just want to cover your ears and say “la la la la” over and over again, because their quotes exemplify either groan-worthy bragging or stomach-turning TMI. Like the new posters for Nymphomaniac that kindly share the cast’s O-faces with us. Didn’t really need to know that much.
As much as we roll our eyes and wrinkle our noses at celebrities’ most honest sex quotes, we still want to read them. It’s one of the great mysteries of the celebrity world. Because I know you’re very curious, I put together a list of fourteen celebrities and their most oversharey of sex quotes for your perusal. Just don’t read them aloud at work or anything. Or do. I won’t judge, but your boss might.
1. Olivia Wilde
“We have sex like Kenyan marathon runners.”
After revealing that her then-boyfriend-now-fiance Jason Sudeikis basically brought her vagina back to life after her divorce, Olivia provided this gem at “These Girls,” a monologue night hosted by Glamour. I’ll give her points for creativity, but I really didn’t need to know that. I also didn’t need to know it all the other times they’ve both talked about it since then.
“When you’re a monk, you’re not allowed to have sex with anyone… When you’re married, it’s one person. That’s one more than a monk. It’s not that different. I’d be having sex thinking, ‘think of anyone, anyone else.’”
Russell Brand has obviously made a lot of racy comments about sex, but this one he made at a comedy show stood out to me because it’s just so disrespectful to his ex-wife Katy Perry. Not to mention ungrateful. Have you seen that woman?
“In a limo, on the way to the Academy Awards this year, Will started looking at me in this way that drives me wild. We started kissing passionately, and the next thing I knew, well, let’s just say we missed the red carpet and I ended up with almost no makeup on.”
A few years ago Jada told this story to Shape magazine. I don’t know about you guys, but I prefer to not know whether or not the stars I see on the red carpet were just getting it on in the limo. I also feel very embarrassed for the driver.
“My orgasm face is recorded for eternity… [Faking it] just doesn’t work, so I pleasured myself in front of the camera.”
So this quote is a little different from the other ones on this list because it’s work-related. Not that it makes it any less cringe-worthy. Rob revealed to German Interview that he masturbated for real while filming a gay sex scene in Little Ashes, because apparently faking it just isn’t convincing. Tell that to Sally Albright.
“I love the way he smells. And him me. Like, he loves to lick under my armpits. I don’t get this obsession with washing the smell off. That smell of someone you love. Don’t you think it’s the whole point?”
Speaking of Robert Pattison… There was a bit of confusion when this Vogue UK quote hit the internet, because people weren’t sure if Kristen was referring to Rob or her secret lovah Rupert Sanders. I don’t really care about that part as much. I want someone to explain this armpit licking to me, and to tell me how notoriously mumbley Kristen Stewart was this candid.
“What does Spanish good looks have to do with the size of your penis? They’re completely different things. Maybe I have the Spanish looks but I have the smallest penis in the world. I’m serious.”
Enrique shared this during a concert when some guests suggested that his beautiful Spanish face suggested he was spectacular between the sheets. It worked out for him okay for twelve years with Anna Kournikova, but I guess even the tiniest of penises can’t commit.
“I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural. I don’t know his name! He was a ghost! I’m very open to it.”
While I’m very relieved to learn that Ke$ha’s ghost sex was consensual (I’ve seen American Horror Story, after all), I didn’t really need to hear about it. I also didn’t need to hear about her eyeball sex with Johnny Depp.
8. Nick Cannon
“When you hear Mariah playing, it’s going down.”
Nick confirmed to Howard Stern that he does indeed masturbate to his wife Mariah Carey’s music when she’s not around, and the song in her repertoire that sets the mood the best is “Hero.” Thanks for the deets, Nick. But seriously, I don’t enjoy having that information in my brain.
“To be my man, you have to put up with a lot. I toot under the sheets, I spend a lot of money and I can belch the ABC’s.”
This quote comes from a People magazine article when Jessica was seeing Tony Romo. We all know Jess isn’t the most prim and proper lady, but I didn’t really need to picture her dutch oven-ing her significant others. I also never want to hear the word “toot” ever again for the rest of my life. It’s a fart. Just call it what it is.
10. John Mayer
“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…”
Someone who probably had to deal with Jessica’s under-the-covers gas is John Mayer, who had these infamous words to say about her post-breakup for an all-around douche-tastic Playboy interview in 2010.
11. Robin Thicke
“I like to try to get her into double-digit orgasms as much as possible. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when I’ve got my mojo and my swag, it happens. Every few months it’s just like bam — repeated. Repeated!”
Ugh, shut up. Robin told Essence magazine all about how good he is at pleasuring his wife Paula Patton. I don’t know about you, but I am really sick of those two and their sexual bragging. What are they compensating for?
12. Susan Sarandon
“If anyone out there’s having trouble getting pregnant. Go to Italy. Have a summer and don’t worry about it and eat and drink and… [bleep], and you’ll probably get pregnant. And that’s what happened with Eva. On the Spanish Steps.”
One thing I really don’t need to know is where celebrity children were conceived. It’s bad enough that Ron Howard names his children after their cities of conception. Now I have to know that Susan Sarandon made her daughter Eva Amurri on the Spanish Steps? What if I want to go there one day and have a pleasant tourist experience?!
13. Michael Douglas
“[W]ithout wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
Whelp, I hate to break it to you, Michael, but you did get a little too specific. About as specific as you could get without showing us a picture of you performing oral sex on Catherine Zeta-Jones and pointing at it. Please don’t ever do that, by the way.
14. Zoe Saldana
“I have to say, for a long time I was a bit lazy so I didn’t like to be on top, but I’m really digging it … because I have really long legs, you just make them sit or lay on a pillow, or two pillows, that way they’re like a little elevated, so I won’t be so, like, doing a split because my legs are really long.”
Zoe got real candid about her favorite sex position when she appeared on an episode of The Conversation With Amanda de Cadenet a few months ago. That’s a pretty technical description there, Zoe. I guess it’s nice that you gave all the leggy ladies out there some advice?
(Lead GIF: Tumblr)