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Thanks To These Nymphomaniac Posters, I Have Now Seen The Cast’s O-Faces

Uma Thurman on Nymphomaniac poster October 2013

Have you ever wanted to glimpse a Hollywood actor mid-coital without actually getting involved with them? Wanted to gaze upon Stellan Skarsgard in sweet surrender without feeling the crush of his belly on yours, or watch Willem Dafoe‘s face crinkle in pleasure as he releases a mighty spooge? Well then you’re in luck, because the just-released (pun intended) posters from the Lars Von Trier film Nymphomaniac are here, and they depict the orgasm faces of each of the film’s stars.

Shia LaBeouf on Nymphomaniac poster October 2013

As a promotional tool it makes me kind of uncomfortable, because these are surprisingly lifelike faces, but as a deterrent I imagine it would work quite nicely. I already didn’t want to have sex with Shia LaBeouf, on account of him being one of the worst people ever to work with on set, according to Reddit, but now I double don’t want to, because I’ve learned that he smokes cigarettes while he makes jizzums. Everybody else is prop-free in their photos, with hair all tousled and eyes either squeezed shut or vacant, but there’s Shia, puffing away, as if it’s perfectly natural to brood, scratch your armpit, and smoke a cigarette while also achieving completion. Pass.

Stellan Skarsgard on Nymphomaniac poster October 2013

And while I admire Stellan’s dedication to his craft in exposing his body in all its HD glory, his poster in particular cuts just the tiiiiiniest bit too low for a puritan such as myself. I’m just one of those women who doesn’t want to see your peen cleavage on the first date. Call me a traditionalist.

And on a related note, where the hell is this movie? Shia’s been talking about it lying about having real sex in it since August 2012, so when shall it be arriving on my doorstep to make me uncomfortable in every way a movie can?

(Images: Vulture)

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  • Alexa

    What has been seen can’t be unseen.Oh god why.Although Stellan is one of my fav actors,that poster of his O-face will haunt my dreams.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Right? He’s like barreling into an orgasm.

    • Alexa

      He also looks like he’s constipated :D You can use some of these posters to describe constipation :D

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  • Lisa

    Your description of Shia Labeouf is hilarious! This picture of him definitely doesn’t do him any favors. And the cigarette during sex is just disgusting.

  • elle

    I love Stellan Skarsgard so much but I so did not need to see his vinegar strokes (any one else watch The Leauge? No just me? moving on then)

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I’m sure I’ll regret asking this…but what are vinegar strokes?

    • elle

      No it’s just an o face nothing bad I promise! I can’t remember why they call it ft that. I have actually decided the worst part of his poster is that I now have to live my life knowing that this was the face made when Aleksander Skarsgard was made. It is a truly terrible knowledge.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I said the exact same thing to my boyfriend today.
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