Have you heard? Witches are totally the new vampires, and it’s kind of awesome. Sunday night saw the premiere of Lifetime’s new series Witches of East End, and tonight is the season premiere of American Horror Story: Coven on FX. Both shows promise to give us a range of witch types, from innocent to evil. The great thing about witch characters in movies and TV is that they run the gamut from adorable to horrifying.
As The Wizard of Oz taught us, there are good witches and bad witches, hot witches and ugly witches. Okay, so maybe that second part wasn’t in the movie, but it’s true. So in honor of AHS and the growing witch trend, I’ve taken it upon myself to rank 35 fictional witches according to hotness. The list starts with the cute witches, getting progressively hotter until it peaks at the hottest, and then the witches will get less and less hot. The witches go from wholesome to hot to haggard. Think of it like a triangle… or a witch’s hat. Come here, my pretty, and go on this journey with me.
Kiki – Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989)
It doesn’t get much cuter than a little anime girl who delivers packages on a broomstick with a tiny black cat on her shoulder. And in the English-language version of this Hayao Miyazaki movie, Kiki is voiced by Kirsten Dunst. Everything on the cute checklist is achieved.
Marnie Piper – Halloweentown (1998)
Kimberly J. Brown brings lots of adorable spunk to Marnie’s character. If you didn’t desperately want to be her when you first saw this movie as a kid, then simply I don’t know what to do with you.
Hermione Granger – Harry Potter (2001-2011)
Emma Watson got older during the course of the series, and obviously her hotness level increased as the frizziness of her hair decreased. But since she started out the series as a precocious little girl, I’m keeping her toward the cute side of the list. What are you gonna do? Mutter something in Latin and make me change it?
Alex Russo – Wizards of Waverly Place (2007-2012)
So technically I think Selena Gomez plays a wizard here, but I’m not used to lady wizards, so I’m putting her on this list because she has magical powers. And she’s downright adorable. Now if she could have just used her powers to make her relationship with Justin Bieber disappear.
Alex and Cameron – Twitches (2005)
Few things are cuter than twins. When they’re witch twins separated at birth who then find each other, it’s even cuter. When those twins are Tia and Tamera Mowry, it’s super cute.
Sabrina Spellman – Sabrina the Teenage Witch (1996-2003)
Ah, Sabrina. She was a nice combination of cute and hot as the series progressed, and her sarcastic sense of humor made her my ’90s hero. Remember when she was addicted to pancakes? And how funny she was? Please excuse me, I’m having a nostalgia attack.
Louise Miller – Teen Witch (1989)
Louise is pretty cute, but she also rocks some badass fashion, which bumps her up closer to the hot side. Plus, she used her powers to give her friend amazing rap skills. Top that!
Lena Duchannes – Beautiful Creatures (2013)
Lena is involved in a forbidden love affair that could turn her into a dark witch, so right there the sexy factor is really bumped up. But she really wants to stay in the light, so that makes her more innocent and cute. But she also wears dark lipstick. Ahh, this is too complicated.
Willow Rosenberg – Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)
It doesn’t get much cuter than Alyson Hannigan. But since Willow takes a turn for the evil toward the end of the series, she gets a higher sexy ranking. This is all according to what I’ve read, having never watched the show. Don’t hurt me, Whedonites.
Samantha Stevens — Bewitched (1964-1972)
Elizabeth Montgomery was a very hot blonde, but she also had that absolutely precious nose wiggle (with built-in sound effect!), so that puts her in a limbo between sexy and cute. It’s very complex, this scale.
The Practical Magic Ladies (1998)
Sally and Gillian Owens fall on different places on the hotness scale, since Sally (Sandra Bullock) is more quiet and practical and Gillian (Nicole Kidman) is more feisty and sexy. But Sandra Bullock is still super hot, so she bumps them up even more.
Gillian Holroyd – Bell, Book and Candle (1958)
Kim Novak is very hot, plus her character in this movie uses her witchy powers to make a man fall in love with her. Nothing’s hotter than a lady who always gets what she wants. Or so movies have told me.
The Craft Girls (1996)
These witches wear punkified sexy schoolgirl outfits. Need I say more? Didn’t think so.
The Charmed Ladies (1998-2006)
We’ve reached the apex of hotness. Cleavage and bare midriffs abound. Plus, I’m pretty sure Rose McGowan has some kind of contract that only allows her to be a sexpot in everything she does. Shannen Doherty was there for a while, too, and nothing’s hotter than some good old-fashioned bitchiness.
The Witches of Eastwick Ladies (1987)
Still pretty hot, considering these witches are Michelle Pfeiffer, Susan Sarandon and Cher, but those are some pretty rough ’80s hairstyles. Sorry ladies, you just missed the hot boat.
Aggie Cromwell – Halloweentown (1998)
It’s hard to find a more adorable grandma than Debbie Reynolds. Unfortunately she can’t be on the cute side of things because of her age, and she’s too much of a classy lady to be called hot, but she’s fabulous and I love her.
Glinda the Good Witch – The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Glinda’s a good witch, which makes her more attractive (especially if you consider that she once looked like Michelle Williams), but she’s also older, and those shoulder thingies are just not working for her.
The Sanderson Sisters – Hocus Pocus (1993)
They’re putting some effort in with those corsets, and their wacky sense of humor helps, but I’m sorry to say that the Sanderson Sisters fall on the wrong side of hot. Go ahead and argue with me, people who’ve seen Hocus Pocus 1,000 times.
Maleficent – Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Maleficent turns herself into a dragon, which is simply not a smart skincare technique, and she’s totally evil, which is really unsexy. But there’s something about that headdress thing that makes me think she deserves to be closer to hot than hag.
The White Witch – The Chronicles of Narnia (2005)
Holy Tilda Swinton on a cracker! Those are some gnarly-looking dreadlocks, and she could really use some mascara. Plus, who told you it was okay to wear white after Labor Day? Get it together, girlfriend.
Ursula the Sea Witch — The Little Mermaid (1989)
Obviously when she turns herself into Vanessa she’s much hotter, but overall I’d say tenticles and blue eye shadow are decidedly not sexy. At least she put some effort into those nails of hers.
The Evil Queen – Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
Ahh, those dark eye circles! That nose wart! those hands that look they’ll snap in two at any moment. When she’s a hag, the Evil Queen is pretty horrifying, but because she’s got perfectly sculpted eyebrows most of the time, I’ll put her closer to hot. Mostly because I don’t want a poison apple.
The Wicked Witch of the West – The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Girl, you’ve got green skin. That is simply not a good look. Plus, whose funeral are you going to that you always have to wear black? Get it together, honey. There’s this thing called fashion.
The Witch (Meryl Streep) – Into the Woods (2014)
AHHHHHHHH!!!! I love me some Meryl Streep — and she’s usually flawless — but if I looked up and saw this in a tree I would be scarred for life. Those nails… Shudder.
Did I leave off your favorite witch? Do you think I put someone in the wrong spot on the ranking? Rant at me in the comments, but please don’t put a spell on me.
(Lead GIF: Tumblr)