Sometimes a couple of celebrities get together, and you like both of them, and their personalities seem to mesh so well together, and you hope they never break up because they seem so well-matched and give you so much entertainment. Then there are celebrity couples that leave you with a cold emptiness inside you that you don’t know what to do with. You see them together and your heart does not sing a single beautiful note of music.
Yes, for every Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield there’s a Nick Lachey and Vanessa
Minnillo Lachey. Heck, even couples like Kimye do more for me than the Lacheys, mostly because they endlessly entertain me. It’s not that I have anything against these stars as people (okay, some of them I do). It’s just that they don’t have that spark that makes me want to be the third wheel on their Friday night fondue date. And obviously these couples should be ashamed of themselves. We all know their main purpose as famous people is to keep us interested and entertained by their private lives at every moment. How could they be so disappointing?
1. Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively
These two got married in secret and have remained pretty private ever since. Privacy is nice. But unfortunately that just means I have no idea what they’re like together. They’re both beautiful golden retriever people who I’m sure will give birth to a litter of adorable puppies when Blake’s bloat is full term. But they just don’t give me any feelings one way or another as to what they’re like as a couple.
2. Amanda Seyfried & Justin Long
I heard this news and I just didn’t know what to do with it. I’m generally okay with both of them as people, from what I know about them, but putting them together just doesn’t make sense in my brain. They’re a relatively new romance, though, so maybe there’s still time for them to convince me. Amanda’s lady parts are never wrong, after all.
3. Nick & Vanessa Lachey
Zzzzzz. Whoops, sorry, I fell asleep without noticing there. Were we talking about the Lacheys? You mean the guy who clearly went to the same smiling robot school as Ryan Seacrest and the girl who probably knows the difference between chicken and tuna? What part of that am I supposed to find appealing?
4. Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel
Are these two even married for real? Because they’re never together, and when they are it looks like Justin is counting down the minutes until he can go rush through the history of rap or dance or speed-skating with Jimmy Fallon. I’m just not seeing the chemistry here.
5. Olivia Wilde & Jason Sudeikis
Ugh, these two. If people like Blake and Ryan are underexposed, these two are overexposed. And it’s of their own doing. I get it, you have great sex. What are you compensating for that you have to talk about it so much?
6. Justin Theroux & Jennifer Aniston
Will they get married? Won’t they get married? At this point a better question is simply, will I care? Won’t I care? The answer is that I won’t. No matter how shiny Jen’s hair is on her wedding day or how much you can see her nipples through the wedding dress.
7. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
And you can’t have Jen and Justin without these two following quickly behind, taking up the entire sidewalk with their six children. These two are very attractive, but that’s about the extent of their appeal for me. I’m also not that thrilled with the way they got together, but since it’s not 2005 I won’t say any more.
8. Chris Martin & Gwyneth Paltrow
I love me some Gwyneth ridiculousness, but pair her up with Chris and I just lose interest. I’m not one of those Coldplay haters or anything, he just does nothing for me. And even Gwyneth’s goopy presence can’t save their coupling from falling into Boring Town.
9. Tom Brady & Gisele
They’re both beautiful people with beautiful careers and a beautiful baby, but I just could not care less.
10. Katy Perry & John Mayer
Meh. Just meh. I don’t see John Mayer’s appeal, and I think Katy Perry can do much better. They do not make me feel like a firework. Sorry you won’t get to see my colors burst.