In news that will upset no one, Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner are officially separated. Which is news that we only saw coming from fourteen hundred billion miles away. While it’s unclear why they decided to release a statement tonight, I can only assume that the Devil gave Kris an ultimatum. You know, some kind of “I’m sick of slinking around in the shadows” speech.
Naturally Kris opened up to Us Weekly right away about this devastating split…that took place a year ago.
“We are happier this way,” Kris told Us of the split, which she and her family kept secret for a year.”
The agony of lying to America for that long must’ve killed her. If she was capable of being killed, that is. Until Bruce Jenner finds that 7th horcrux, we’re doomed to spend the rest of eternity dealing with her and her children and her children’s children.
All I can really say right now is pray for us. Also pray for Bruce Jenner’s face. Rumor has it that if you unscrew his earrings, the whole thing falls right off.