While there’s no one out there running around and defending the sanity of rom-coms, I still feel like I need to take time out of my very busy schedule to call them out on a few things. Namely, the ways in which their romantic leads meet and then proceed to fall in love with each other. In case you’ve never seen The Holiday and/or spent a day with people who fancy themselves to be amateur film critics, the way two people meet in a rom-com is called a meet-cute. And today we’re going to explore 12 meet-cutes that would never ever end in a relationship in real life. I want to preface this entire expose with the fact that it’s not that I don’t believe human beings can meet this way, it’s that I don’t believe that they would fall in love after meeting this way. I apologize in advance for making every future viewing of these movies into a painful experience. Also, for ruining your overall TBS weekend routine.
1. You’ve Got Mail
While I can most definitely buy online dating in this day and age, I cannot buy a woman falling in love with a guy who deceived her — and more importantly destroyed her business. Up until that point in the rose garden at the very end, I found this movie somewhat believable. But then Meg Ryan spots Tom Hanks and is all, “I wanted it to be you,” and not, “oh my holy effing god, you’ve got to be kidding me! Not only did you make me think I got stood up on a date and not only did you run my mother’s bookstore into the ground, but you actually let me go on and on and on about this guy who turns out to be you. No. Absolutely not. Also. I’m suing for fraud. And double also, your half-brother should be able to spell dog by now!”
2. She’s All That
I don’t care how many lights Freddie Prinze Jr. strings up in your backyard, he still only initiated contact with you because of a bet. A bet, that I have to add, was about turning the GROSSEST girl in school into the prom queen. Laney Boggs, have some respect for yourself.
3. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Here’s a surefire way to make sure things will not work out: start a relationship purely for the sake of writing an article about it. Another surefire way to make sure things won’t work out? Start a relationship because your boss promised to give you a big account if you make a stranger fall in love with you in 10 days. There’s no way that when all was said and done that these two would’ve played kissy face on the side of a highway. Kate Hudson would’ve turned her article into a book deal and Matthew McConaughey would’ve reported his boss to HR for unethical practices in the office.
4. 10 Things I Hate About You
“Hi, I’m only dating you because this other guy wants to bang your sister. Can I bang you?” is not a pick-up line that ever works. Even if you are a total bad boy with a horrible reputation.
5. What Women Want
Putting aside my sheer hatred for Mel Gibson for a second, I can still say that this romance doesn’t work for me. There’s something off with a guy who appears to be able to read your mind. It’s one thing to be in sync with someone, it’s another thing to have a co-worker respond aloud to the thoughts going through your head. This wouldn’t entrance you, it would scare you. It would scare you to the point that you would quit and/or check yourself in somewhere.
6. 50 First Dates
Just because a girl’s pretty does not mean that you get to kidnap her, impregnate her and take her to Alaska. Especially if she’s disabled in such a way that waking up every morning really does make her feel like she’s been kidnapped. “Where Am I? What is this video? I’m married!? I have a child!? I live on a boat!? Oh, actually, I’m completely cool with this and I’m not at all worried as to how this will impact my child.”
7. Maid in Manhattan
Identity theft is never okay. Sorry J.Lo, I know that the coat was real purdy, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to pretend that you’re someone you’re not. Especially someone who is a real, live person staying at the hotel that you work at. This isn’t about classism, it’s about truthism.
8. A Cinderella Story
Dear Cinderella: never date a guy who can’t figure out who you are simply because your’e wearing an eye mask. His (alleged) college acceptance issues aside, he’s a moron and he should’ve recognized you at the dance. And everywhere else he saw you after the dance.
9. Failure to Launch
Sorry Kathy Bates, but you’re in the wrong here. Your son LOST his fiance tragically. He needs your support right now, not your money going towards Carrie Bradshaw’s shopping habits. Forgive me if I don’t think Matthew should forgive SJP because they have chemistry. She lied to him without even knowing the reason that she was lying to him. Which, we can go over again, involved the incredibly sad death of his fiance.
10. Never Been Kissed
Here are three words that should never be in the same sentence: teacher, student, relationship. Sorry Mr. Coulson, but you crushing on Drew Barrymore when she’s your student does not fly. Like legally, it does not fly. Accepting the appropriately-aged Drew Barrymore reluctantly also does not fly. Finding out you can legally have sex with someone should never, ever anger you. And if it does, check yourself (into a facility) before you wreck yourself.
11. The Family Stone
While I would like to think that this issue didn’t need to be addressed, this movie makes me worry that it does. Your future brother-in-law AND your future sister-in-law are off limits. At least while you’re still ENGAGED to your fiance. Just try to um, I don’t know, not hit on them in front of the person you supposedly love. Mmkay?
No, just no. I don’t care how well Kurt Russell can pull off overalls and fish guts. He kidnapped Goldie Hawn and made her his slave/nanny. Then, to make it even worse, he had sex with her under very false pretenses. Opposites only attract each up to a certain point. And that point is usually the point when someone could press charges for KIDNAPPING.