• Mon, Oct 7 - 10:09 am ET

Miley Cyrus Goes On Today, Politely Informs Matt Lauer That He’s No Longer Having Sex

Miley Cyrus is on my good list this morning because she actually made me laugh on Saturday Night Live over the weekend. Sure she then went to a nice restaurant in a see-through football jersey for a team that doesn’t exist, but I’m willing to let it go. This morning she made an appearance on the Today show and did her best This is Spinal Tap impression as she danced with little people next to giant mushrooms and rainbows. She also had a foam finger, yet she amazingly refrained from masturbating with it. Bravo, Miley! But the best part of her appearance, for me at least, was her post-performance interview with Matt Lauer.

There are few things I love as much as a celebrity flustering or insulting Matt Lauer. Sandra Bullock hilariously responded to his attempts at early-morning comedy when she went on the show a few months ago, and now Miley is getting in on the fun. Matt Lauer is a bit of a… what do you call it? Oh yeah, a douche. So when Miley declared that he probably wasn’t having sex anymore, I quickly ran to get popcorn. It was great because Matt was asking her all the boring questions people have been asking her for months, like for instance “WTF?” and “Huh?”, but Miley managed to give such new and entertaining answers. For instance, Matt asked if this sexual behavior was just a phase that will eventually end.

Miley’s response? When people turn 40 they stop being sexual. Apparently their junk just dries up like a raisin and they no longer feel the need to stick their faces in ladies’ butts or straddle wrecking balls or stick out their tongues like they’re catching invisible flies. As someone who understands context clues, Miley came to the conclusion that Matt must be 40, based on the cringy face he was making. Since Matt is actually a ripe old hyper-nonsexual 55, he was very flattered by this assumption. But Miley just took it as an opportunity to inform him that he’s really not having sex. Like, he’s just having negative amounts of it. Clearly I’m embellishing here, but that’s the gist.

If you want to experience this amazingness firsthand, skip ahead to 2:30 in the video above. And then spend the day not picturing Matt Lauer having sex. If you do picture it, you’ll have to really use your imagination, because it’s hard to picture something when you know it can never exist.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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