Chris Brown is suffering from a serious condition, you guys. It’s called “Zero Self Awareness-itis” and it’s damaged him beyond repair. Symptoms include: the inability to admit when you’re wrong, using multiple excuses, making everyone hate you, general douchebaggery, and incessant whining. Also known informally as “just not getting it.” There is no known cure. Just when we were willing to give him a small amount of credit for doing something not awful, he goes right back to the Chris Brown we all know and hate.
Lucky for us, he helped us to understand this condition further by opening up to The Guardian about how much being punished for horrible crimes you chose to commit really sucks:
“Community service, that shit is a bitch. I’ll be honest – and you can quote me on that – that is a motherfucker there. For me, I think it’s more of a power trip for the DA. I can speak freely now, because I don’t really care what they say about it, but as far as, like, the 1,000 extra hours they gave me, that’s totally fricking bananas.”
Ugh, I think this Chris Brown shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. (I hope you read that in the voice of Gwen Stefani.) He continued his tirade/crusade to be the most abhorrent celebrity of all time by denouncing his court-ordered anger management class as “sexist” because it made him understand women more, but it made him feel like he was “wrong wrong wrong.” Look, Chris, I don’t have enough hands to face-palm myself into forgetting I read that. So I’ll probably just bang my head on my desk a few times when I’m done here.
I couldn’t even get through the rest of the interview without bile forming in my throat, but I will say what I did read made my imagination run wild with thoughts of Chris Brown and Kanye in a duel. I mean, they both have a God complex. They both have unpredictable tempers. They both suffer from the same disorder. I truly think it’s only a matter of time before those two get into a slap match over who’s the most delusional rock star of all time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to update my Facebook profile to include the following quote:
“No, I’m not going to walk around every day of my life depending on the opinions of other people. Because if I do that, I’ll just be trying to please everybody and that’s not what I’m here for. Just make music. If they like it, they like it. If they don’t, fuck you.”