Every week or so — just often enough to keep me in a healthy mindset — a story comes along to remind me that I’m really glad I’m not a famous person. Today’s celebrity guest star is Fiona Apple, who got heckled out of her own concert last night. In Portland, Oregon of all places. I apologize on behalf of my statesmen, Fiona.
“Fiona! Get healthy! We want to see you in ten years.”
You know, just a normal thing to yell from a balcony at a musical performance. I’m surprised more people don’t pipe up with recommendations for how their favorite artists should live their lives. It’s obviously what they want when they come out onstage. But WEIRDLY, Fiona wasn’t into it that particular day, and she got really really pissed.
“I am healthy! Who the fuck do you think you are? I want you to get the fuck out of here. I want the house lights on so I watch you leave!”
And the person was escorted out, but not before shouting, “I saw you twenty years ago and you were beautiful!” And thennnnn Fiona got really really sad. So sad that she was lit’rally sobbing through the next song, and then had to apologize and leave the stage in tears. Which really sucks, because it means she was obviously really affected by it. But here’s the thing…
Girl, she was in the wrong! She sat through ninety minutes of your show and then threw a bizarrely long heckle at you! And was seemingly baffled by the passage of time! (Everyone looks different after twenty years, and usually not for the better, unless you’re one of these celebrities.) You can for sure get her taken out of there! But try not to let that affect your concert, y’know? There are just so many more people there who love you and paid money to see you. And actually, that lady was even one of them! She paid to get in to see you perform, lady! Don’t let her win!
…although in fairness she seems to have thought she was attending an intimate fan intervention where everyone would get a chance to speak. And like, you’d been talking the whole time, or whatever, so she got really impatient for her turn. You understand.