Justin Timberlake isn’t a good actor. I mean, don’t tell him that. He certainly fancies himself one. That much is clear from the fact that he accepted the two starring roles in Runner Runner. One, of course, being his character Richie Furst. And the other being the guy who does the voiceover. Like Carrie Bradshaw, he spends the entire movie reflecting on the action as it happens. “Later that day, I got to thinking, would there be a price to pay for all the success I’m having?” This is necessary because he’s not an actor and he therefore cannot show us, using his acting skills, how he’s feeling at any particular moment. It is unnecessary because it’s not an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I think we successfully killed the voiceover in the ’00s and I don’t think it’s time to bring it back from the dead yet. (That’s right, I am voiceover shaming.)
But if we’ve learned one thing about Justin Timberlake in the past few months, it’s that Justin Timberlake has a big old crush on Justin Timberlake. So if someone offered him the lead role in a movie, it’s not surprising that he offered himself an additional role. I’m sure his phone call with the producers went something along the lines of, “I’ve heard you’re making a movie about a suave young man who out suaves an older suave man. I figured I’d save you the time of having to make a phone call by letting you know that I will take the role of young suave man. Also I’ll do the voiceover. And if need be, I’ll play the older suave man. But only if need be gentlemen, I have several other vanity projects on my to-do list right now. Jimmy Fallon doesn’t take his own show hostage every Tuesday.”
I know, I know, this review sounds harsh. But that’s only because it was a horrible movie. We won’t get into the nitty-gritty details here, but you should know Ben Affleck plays an evil villain named Ivan Block and that at one point two bribed Costa Rican officials are doused in chicken fat and thrown to the crocodiles. Why chicken fat? I DON’T KNOW GUYS! Somewhere along the lines the people making the movie realized that Ben Affleck’s not a believable villain (hey, is that the guy with the girl-next-door wife and 3 adorable kids?!) and figured that watching him pour chicken fat over people to hasten their death-by-croc would be enough to get rid of his squeaky clean image. It’s not enough though. You still think to yourself, “I bet Ben Affleck would be fun to play Apples to Apples with on a lazy Sunday afternoon.” Oh also, I would neglect in my duties as the Internet’s premiere reporter/lawyer if I didn’t tell you that Costa Rica should probably sue this movie for slander. The moral of the whole story is that it’s a bastion of corruption that’s full of bribed officials, very poor people and wealthy American businessmen.
But back to Justin, the lead star and the supporting star of the film. I’m done with him, as an actor and as a singer and even as Jimmy Fallon’s best friend. Which is a shame because I definitely used to be a fan. You know, before he released TWO albums in one year and agreed to participate in a career retrospective at the 2013 MTV VMAs. Sure, he’s had a lot of success thus far in his career, but he’s only 32. He puts on his suit and tie just like the rest of us — by making his assistants hold his pants out and jumping into them from his bed. I think he needs to take a step back and remember that he’s a talented guy, but he’s not the most talented guy. America can and will survive without him being in our faces at all times. In fact, later that day, I got to thinking, an album here and there would be nice, a cameo on SNL would be fun, but other than that, I don’t need to see or hear about him every single day.