Runner Runner Is Like Scrolling Through A Million Justin Timberlake Selfies

Runner Runner know when to walk away posterJustin Timberlake isn’t a good actor. I mean, don’t tell him that. He certainly fancies himself one. That much is clear from the fact that he accepted the two starring roles in Runner RunnerOne, of course, being his character Richie Furst. And the other being the guy who does the voiceover. Like Carrie Bradshaw, he spends the entire movie reflecting on the action as it happens. “Later that day, I got to thinking, would there be a price to pay for all the success I’m having?” This is necessary because he’s not an actor and he therefore cannot show us, using his acting skills, how he’s feeling at any particular moment. It is unnecessary because it’s not an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I think we successfully killed the voiceover in the ’00s and I don’t think it’s time to bring it back from the dead yet. (That’s right, I am voiceover shaming.)

But if we’ve learned one thing about Justin Timberlake in the past few months, it’s that Justin Timberlake has a big old crush on Justin Timberlake. So if someone offered him the lead role in a movie, it’s not surprising that he offered himself an additional role. I’m sure his phone call with the producers went something along the lines of, “I’ve heard you’re making a movie about a suave young man who out suaves an older suave man. I figured I’d save you the time of having to make a phone call by letting you know that I will take the role of young suave man. Also I’ll do the voiceover. And if need be, I’ll play the older suave man. But only if need be gentlemen, I have several other vanity projects on my to-do list right now. Jimmy Fallon doesn’t take his own show hostage every Tuesday.”

I know, I know, this review sounds harsh. But that’s only because it was a horrible movie. We won’t get into the nitty-gritty details here, but you should know Ben Affleck plays an evil villain named Ivan Block and that at one point two bribed Costa Rican officials are doused in chicken fat and thrown to the crocodiles. Why chicken fat? I DON’T KNOW GUYS! Somewhere along the lines the people making the movie realized that Ben Affleck’s not a believable villain (hey, is that the guy with the girl-next-door wife and 3 adorable kids?!) and figured that watching him pour chicken fat over people to hasten their death-by-croc would be enough to get rid of his squeaky clean image. It’s not enough though. You still think to yourself, “I bet Ben Affleck would be fun to play Apples to Apples with on a lazy Sunday afternoon.” Oh also, I would neglect in my duties as the Internet’s premiere reporter/lawyer if I didn’t tell you that Costa Rica should probably sue this movie for slander. The moral of the whole story is that it’s a bastion of corruption that’s full of bribed officials, very poor people and wealthy American businessmen.

But back to Justin, the lead star and the supporting star of the film. I’m done with him, as an actor and as a singer and even as Jimmy Fallon’s best friend. Which is a shame because I definitely used to be a fan. You know, before he released TWO albums in one year and agreed to participate in a career retrospective at the 2013 MTV VMAs. Sure, he’s had a lot of success thus far in his career, but he’s only 32. He puts on his suit and tie just like the rest of us — by making his assistants hold his pants out and jumping into them from his bed. I think he needs to take a step back and remember that he’s a talented guy, but he’s not the most talented guy. America can and will survive without him being in our faces at all times. In fact, later that day, I got to thinking, an album here and there would be nice, a cameo on SNL would be fun, but other than that, I don’t need to see or hear about him every single day.

(Image: Tumblr)

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    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Jenni, would you like to go halvesies on a crocodile farm with me? My crooked accountant tells me that they’re an extremely lucrative business venture in this economy.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Timbershame. :(

    • Elizabeth Parker

      LOL. They doused them in chicken fat because the crocs liked to eat that, apparently. (did you notice only 1 of them made it out … ?)

      I thought it was okay but yeah, his acting wasn’t great.

      • Jenni

        I just felt the chicken fat seemed unnecessary. Last time I checked, crocs weren’t too particular their condiments.

      • Elizabeth Parker

        Yum yum, lol.

    • Miles

      It’s totally fine if you hated the movie. I watched it and I wasn’t impressed with the movie either. But why blame Justin for accepting the role offered to him, and doing a voice over in the film? Is it HIS decision as an actor to do these things? Shouldn’t you be putting the blame on the director, producers or even the scriptwriter for this? It just speaks of how little credibility you have as a film reviewer to blame the actor. If he gets offered parts, why shouldn’t he accept? He is merely trying to develop himself as an actor. Wouldn’t you do the same if offered an opportunity to perfect your craft? Now, if you’re sick of him, then don’t watch him. It’s really that simple… But don’t presume to speak for America.. It makes America sound as dumb as this film review

      • Jenni

        Last time I checked, an offer is just that…an offer. I doubt that they put a gun to his head and were like, “we’re going to make you an offer you can’t refuse…mwhahaha!”

        Also, America is far dumber than any review I could ever write.

      • Miles

        So you’re saying that he should refuse what may possibly be a good opportunity for his film career? He couldn’t have known that the movie would turn out to be bad based on just the script. You can have a great script but the director’s execution is really bad… I’m not saying he’s the best actor out there… I just don’t get why you’re putting all the blame on him.

      • Jenni

        I don’t know, that script seemed pretty bad to me.

      • Miles

        Oh… so you had access to a copy of the whole script?

      • Jenni

        I…saw the movie?

      • Miles

        So did I. Neither of us have the exact script which convinced him to accept this role. We both know that the movie we saw was the result of the combined work of all the people involved in the film. So I ask you again… why blame him for everything?

      • Jenni

        I didn’t blame him for everything. I also blamed Ben Affleck for being an unbelievable bad guy.

      • Miles

        That’s it? That small one liner? No additional blame for Ben Affleck, Oscar Winning screenwriter and director for accepting his role in the film? No blame for Leo Dicaprio for parting with his money and being one of the producers of this film? Justin is the only one to blame for accepting this role? Ben and Leo have been making films far longer than Justin has… Yet they both saw something in the project that convinced them to be a part of it. Is it too much to think that Justin must have seen something to convince him too?

      • Jenni

        Ben Affleck accepted rolesin Gigli and Batman…so he might not be the best judge for what qualifies as a good movie decision. Also I CHOSE to focus on Justin Timberlake’s growing ego in this review, as evidenced by my title. If my title was Justin Timberlake Takes Ben Affleck Hostage And Makes Him Film Runner, Runner, I could see your point.

      • Miles

        Hmmm… I agree with Gigli… but can’t say much about Batman since I can’t judge something that NO ONE HAS SEEN YET.

        With all the things I’ve mentioned, I was hoping for a bit more objectivity from you but I see now that it’s impossible.

        So if it makes you happy to think that Justin has a huge ego because he accepted this role and did all the other things you mentioned… Go for it. I don’t agree with your opinion so let’s leave it at that.

      • Jenni

        It does make me happy, in fact I might go back in time and write a film review about it.

      • Miles

        Okay… Go to your happy place where you have the uncanny ability to know why Justin makes certain decisions, as well as predict that Ben Affleck will regret accepting Batman because he is not a good judge of movies. Must be nice to have all that power in your head. Good luck with that… :)

      • Jenni

        Oh Miles, it is downright intoxicating to have all this power in my head. You can’t even imagine.

      • Samantha_Escobar

        No, this is definitely one of those rare instances where a movie was not remotely based on the script. They probably made it up as they went along. Justin probably improved the whole thing so really, we should be impressed.

      • http://twilightirruption.blogspot.com/ abbeysbooks

        LOL! That last sentence. Frame it.

      • Ahmed Kordofani

        Oh please! Not every movie is a success! And you can’t blame an actor, that’s just pathetic. You obviously hate JT and just making reasons to hate. He is a really good actor and one of the best singers there is! And, believe me, your review is way dumber.

    • Stacey Judith

      I appreciate his dedication and the effort he puts into his work! He might not be the best actor out there but he’s learning and trying and there are far worse ones than him to pick on. He’s definitely not “Oscar worthy” so far but he is sincere and not just fooling around.. At the end of the day, he’s one of the best entertainers of this generation and no one does it like him! The man’s got talent and is trying to expand his avenues because he wants to.. The fact that he’s going after it because he likes to and not needs to, earns my respect!!

      • Jenni

        Does anyone need to make a movie?

      • Miles

        Does anyone need to make a review?

      • Jenni

        Aha! Touche Miles, I see your point. I shall throw away my computer at once. My whole job is for naught. Also, in related news, are you hiring?

      • Samantha_Escobar

        Does anyone need to comment on a review?

        As a side note, why is the sky?

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    • FauxRealFaux

      Well, according to my 8 year old, Justin Timberlake is the most talented and wonderful person out right now. She has been over Justin Beiber, for two years now, ever since her bestie told her about JB’s behavior on a cruise ship (this was the subject of wrath and scorn among all of her friends for months). Why last week, one of my daughter’s friends had the audacity to not know all of the words to “Mirror” during some impromptu sing-along on their school bus…. after being “schooled” on the many wonders of JT the little girl went home and demanded that her Mother download the entire body of JT’s work. Long story short- the next day that this little girl knew every nuance and every single word to all of the most popular JT songs. So that is proof that JT deserves all of this attention. From reading my jumble of words, three facts should come to mind: 1) Justin Timberlake is like totally awesome. 2) I am too involved in all of the various details of my 8 year old’ life. 3) I need a day job.

    • Tomas Maximus

      100% in agreement. Over-extended celebrities are a problem in general, and JT in particular has violated the entertainment version of the Peter Principle: “People in the entertainment industry, where promotion is based on achievement, success, and merit, will eventually be promoted beyond their level of ability.”

    • http://www.imtoofancy.com/ Diana

      he fancies himself an actor. and so do the producers who hire him. i think he was pretty good in the social network and friends with benefits. sometimes movies are bad but i doubt he will retire bc of this one.

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