It would be easy to rip apart Miley Cyrus’ documentary, Miley: the Movement, on the basis that I’m personally not a fan and watching her wear sports bras as shirts for an hour was emotionally painful for me. But that would be too easy. It’s probably a good thing Miley’s used to sticking her tongue out, because she’s going to need the room to fit her foot in her mouth.
The Five Most Contradictory Statements Miley Cyrus Made In Miley: The Movement:
1. Miley is oh so glad she’s not making “punky music” like Paramore. First of all, that was rude to Paramore. Second of all, I think your music is “punky” – which I think she uses as an adjective not necessarily meaning plaid and paperclips à la Avril Lavigne, but “punky” as in immature and juvenile. Singing about drugs (when you aren’t even of legal drinking age!), licking sledgehammers while naked and constantly hanging your tongue out of your mouth all seem pretty “punky,” immature and juvenile to me. And I truly think the 182,037,462 (and counting) views of the Wrecking Ball music video have more to do with the nudity than the music.
2. At the end of the day, Miley is the only one who has to be happy. Calling major bullshit on this statement. Miley’s happiness is the happiness that matters most to her, sure, but she’s not making music in her bedroom at home to make herself happy. She’s producing music and putting it out there in an attempt to make other people happy. Which could seem like she’s doing us a favor by giving us lesser-talented beings something to listen to, except that she’s highly concerned with her music being the most popular. When Miley’s single We Can’t Stop came out, she was freaking out that it was only #181 on iTunes. The first day. Like, chill out girl, if dropping your single was like going on a first date the dude wouldn’t even have called you yet! If she wants her song to be on top, she’s not the only person whose happiness she’s concerned with – she wants enough of the world to be happy with her and her music that it makes it to the top.
3. If Miley had really wanted to be sexy at the VMAs, she wouldn’t have dressed as a bear. This part is not just contradictory but also completely creepy to me. Miley says that she’s very comfortable with her sexuality. Duh. But she said the VMAs performance wasn’t about that; she said she was dressed as an “adult baby,” which automatically made the performance “funny” and negated the sexiness of it. Um, no, Miley. You weren’t dressed as an anatomically correct bear, for one thing, you were dressed as a skin-showing, cleavage-baring bear, so don’t say your costume was more funny than sexy. The statement about being an “adult baby” is just incredibly creepy. Miley was dancing like an adult, not like a child. That kind of behavior, regardless of the clothes worn while performing it – you could wear a literal bear suit – would still come across as raunchy and sexual.
4. Everything must seem genuine, yet everything must be perfectly planned out. I’m not saying planning ahead can’t be genuine, but Miley is SO concerned with mapping out every detail, making every moment part of the movement, that when genuine, spontaneous moments do occur, she loses it. Something got screwed up with her car’s approach to the VMAs and she flips shit. What difference to “the movement” will it make how you step out of your freaking car? This is one of the biggest struggles I have with her. Everything she does, everything she plans, is so heavy. During the documentary a promo for Ke$ha’s show, My Crazy Beautiful Life, aired. As crazy as Ke$ha is, she seems infinitely more genuine. Ke$ha isn’t concerned about “the movement,” having an “army” and “taking over the world” – all things that Miley, according to her documentary, is focused on. Miley takes herself and every thing she does, down to stepping out of a car, so damn seriously. You want us to lighten up about the VMAs? You lighten up first.
5. Everyone else has to fit in and be the same, Miley wants to be the one who’s different. Wow, Miley. Take a giaaaant step back. She thinks she’s the first person to toe the line? She herself talks about the crazy antics Britney Spears did in her hey day. Hasn’t she ever heard of Lady Gaga? The idea that Miley thinks she’s the only one who has the courage to do her own thing and stand out just pisses me off. She is fooling herself if she thinks she’s the first person to dress, act and dance scandalously and she certainly won’t be the last. Get over yourself, Miley. I don’t know how she got up on that high horse of hers, but she’s not the only one who knows how to ride.
I could go on and on, but even the (in)famous Miley Cyrus’ foot probably tastes pretty awful, so I’ll let her remove it from her mouth for a bit. And for the Smilers who will say I’m just a jealous, petty blogger, I’ll throw you a bone: I totally love Miley’s new song collaboration with Britney Spears. I think she has terrible judgment, but I never said she couldn’t sing.