Justin Bieber has announced that starting at midnight this Sunday, October 6th, he will release a new song every Monday for ten weeks, and I don’t want to be too rash, but does that smack of a threat to anyone else? Like Justin is plotting to kill one hostage a week for ten weeks until we meet his demands? Except in this case, instead of killing one hostage, he’s releasing one song…which theoretically sounds better on paper, but will probably have the same effect affect on my morale.
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) October 3, 2013
The songs will all be coming from his newest album ‘Heartbreaker’, so named because no one has yet informed Justin that Selena Gomez was the one to break up with him. I assume that Scooter was supposed to drop that knowledge bomb during this China trip, but he probably didn’t want to damage Justin’s fragile emotions in his already weakened state. (I mean, you read Crushable, right? The kid had to get carried up the Great Wall Of China on the shoulders of his bodyguards. Like some kind of frail, demanding boy king.)
So okay, the name of the album isn’t gonna be changed. Whatever. But can’t we just try to meet his demands? I don’t want to have to write up a new Justin Bieber song every Monday morning for the next ten weeks. As a celebrity blogger, that threat is real to me. Justin is cutting me to the core, and I’m willing to drop my long-held beliefs against negotiating with music terrorists.
So if everyone could chip in to provide some items off this list and protect the world from this slow-release system that Justin has engineered, that would be great. I’d do it myself, but I don’t know where to find twelve black leather diapers at such short notice, and I wouldn’t know the first thing about obtaining a pygmy unicorn, especially with Justin’s track record of leaving animals behind.
Come on, guys — I never ask you for anything.