This might sound odd coming from me on account of the fact that I do it for a living, but celebrity blogging is a really weird thing. You have to get on your computer every day and find interesting tidbits about people you’ve never met in your life. And even if they’re not doing something interesting, you still have to write something interesting. Miley Cyrus doesn’t cut her hair every single day, y’know?
So if you see a picture of them sweaty on their way out of a gym or something, sometimes you have to write that up. Except you have a minimum amount of words that you can get away with writing, so you have to pad it with other information, as if there is any in the picture. And that’s when the annoying part of celebrity blogging comes up. Annoying for me as the reader, I mean, because I try reeeeeally hard not to do this stuff in my own writing.
When people write non-stories on non-celebrities day after day after day, there start to be some words in common that get used, that really have no meaning at all in real life. They end up being used like shorthand, but they’re really just nonsense added to a post to make it something other than the following sentence: ‘Here is a picture of a vaguely famous person.’ You might not have noticed them until now, but I promise that once you’re done reading this post, they will haunt your every move.
Meaning: writer of things
In a sentence: “As revealed in the new issue of Us Weekly, the Parks and Recreation actress, 37, is seeing Saturday Night Live scribe Colin Jost, 31.”
You mean a writer, so just say a writer. He’s not writing on papyrus or etching in stone, he works as a writer on SNL, so just say that. Please.
2. ‘MYSTERY GAL’
Meaning: non-famous human whose name they don’t know
In a sentence: The Just Jared title ‘Robert Pattinson Steps Out Solo After Outings with Mystery Gal‘
So, just to clarify — what you have is a photo of Rob without the girl whose name you don’t yet know but whom you’d like us to think he is dating. This is not news.
3. ‘SUSPICIOUS CIGARETTE’
Meaning: marijuana, but we’d rather not be the first to say so
In a sentence: From the Daily News, ‘Jennifer Lawrence unwinds after Oscars win with wine, suspicious-looking cigarette in Hawaii.’
That cigarette is looking around in a very untrustworthy manner; has anyone asked it what it’s up to?
4. ‘BABY BUMP’
Meaning: an element of a pregnancy with a mind of its own
In a sentence: From Huffington Post, ‘Gwen Stefani’s Baby Bump Makes Its Debut’
Nobody likes outing celebrity pregnancies more than baby bumps, and nobody likes pretending to be baby bumps more than gusts of wind, unflattering angles, and large lunches. The speculation opportunities are endless. Just ask Jennifer Aniston. She’s had one for years.
Meaning: singer of songs
In a sentence: From Hollywood Life, ‘The “Come and Get It” songstress makes looking fierce look so easy…The songstress is taking some much needed time off as she just came back from Milan and was touring like crazy!
This word means nothing, you fools, what are these delusions of grandeur? You write for the internet and you can say ‘singer’ like the rest of us.
In a sentence: From OK Magazine, ‘Taylor Swift flaunts bikini body on paddle boat date with Ed Sheeran’
So…she had it. She allowed you to see it. You saw it. That’s all that happened. She didn’t put it in anyone’s face or weigh herself in front of Selena Gomez. She was on the water, she wore a bikini, it showed her body. I don’t even like Taylor, but christ.
7. ‘SLIPPED INTO’
In a sentence: From Pop Sugar, ‘Sofia Vergara slipped into a bikini for a Miller Lite ad.’
Did she? How. HOW DID SHE DO THAT. You must not be familiar with the process of getting dressed, because that is not how things go down, especially with a body like that.
8. ‘STEPPED OUT’
Meaning: existed, walked, was seen, etc.
In a sentence: From Celebuzz, ‘Kim Kardashian and Her Blonde Hair Step Out for Dinner with Kanye West and Tyga’
Well thank god her hair came along too, huh? That would have been embarrassing.The dumbest. The absolute dumbest. ‘Stepping out’ is so jaunty, what the hell are we talking about? They’re just walking around, so call it a normal thing!
9. GAL PAL
In a sentence: From The Daily Mail, ‘Julianne Hough wore a Camilla and Marc LBD to support her gal pal and Cosmopolitan cover girl Nina Dobrev at the mag’s Palihouse party Saturday.‘
Gal pal? Really? When have you ever said anything remotely similar to that in real life?
Meaning: an editor
In a sentence: From Hollywood Life, “Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth ‘Barely’ See Each Other, Says Insider”
We sure would like to print this article, but we have no sources to back it up. Oh nevermind, I wrote one!
Meaning: seen with
In a sentence: From Huffington Post, ‘Harry Styles Dating Cara Delevingne? One Direction Star Reportedly Smitten With Model’
In those few glorious months when a couple is between ‘rumored to be dating’ and ‘engaged’, they are smitten. Like a couple of kittens…who haven’t even confirmed their relationship.
12. ‘BITTEN BY THE ACTING BUG’
Meaning: theoretically interested in a career in acting
In a sentence: From The Examiner, “It seems all the Jolie-Pitt children have been bitten by the acting bug.”
Where is this bug and why has it been allowed to bite so many people?
13. ‘AMPLE CURVES’
In a sentence: ‘Kim Kardashian has not been spotted going to the gym in Los Angeles since giving birth to her daughter in June, but RadarOnline.com has photos from her romantic vacation to Paris where she poured her ample curves into workout clothes and headed out to burn some calories.’
This is the word outlets use when they can’t say ‘fat’. There are curves, and there are a lot of them. We’re not saying she’s fat…but we hope that you’ll think that she’s fat and click on this link to see how fat she is. Which brings me to my next issue…
14. ‘POURED HERSELF INTO’
Meaning: similar to ‘slipped into’, but more tight-fitting
In a sentence: From The Daily Mail, “The 35-year-old actress poured her curves into a stunning low cut corset, adorned with gold and silver metal work.”
PLEASE BE CAREFUL, REESE WITHERSPOON, FOR THE HUMAN BODY IS NOT MEANT TO BE MELTED AND POURED!