I understand that reality TV is unpredictable and everything, but there are some things I expect to be safe from viewing when I sit down to watch Real Housewives Of Miami. I’m ready for fun in the sun, wedding planning, and the occasional outburst…but with that in mind, there’s not much last night’s episode that I was prepared to see. Or hear. Or think about, in any context. Blagh.
But I did. And you know why? Because I made a promise to you guys that I would recap this season, and that’s what I intend to do. Gag reflex and creepy crawly skin sensations be damned. Because I am a professional, by heavens, and that is what professionals do. (Or so I’m told.)
So here they are, moonbeams — the 23 Grossest Moments From Real Housewives Of Miami last night:
- Adriana and Frederic are almost an hour late to brunch with Joanna and Romain. Seeing anyone disrespect such a glorious meal just turns my stomach.
- Also this disagreement between Adriana and Joanna is literally over retweets. OVER RETWEETS. Gross.
- Lenny got liposuction on his midsection, and the way they’re handling the post-procedure footage is way too much for me.
- Lisa can’t stop touching him and hurting him, and it’s making me feel like they’ve never come into physical contact before.
- All this bragging Lisa is doing about walking around less than twenty-four hours after she got her boob job. Ouuuuch.
- The actual phrase ‘YOU’RE LYING IN A BED OF BLOOD’ was just used to describe Lenny’s sheets around his liposucked body. I need to vomit.
- The pure earnestness with which Marysol and Alexia are cleansing the house so that Mama Elsa can come home. As if burning sage is going to help her.
- Lea‘s one of my favorite Housewives, so hearing that she hasn’t reached out to make sure Mama Elsa is okay in the whole eight weeks she’s been in the hospital is pretty gross.
- The extent of Adriana’s daddy issues knows no bounds.
- Poor Frederic says his childhood was so calm that he ‘didn’t know what drama was’…’until he met me’, Adriana helpfully fills in. He’d never seen his mother cry or his father shout. Hello rude awakenings.
- Watching this dinner conversation between Peter and his grandmother is making me supes uncomforts.
- The marriage between Marysol’s dad and Elsa sounds like a real barrel of laughs. She says ninety percent of the time ‘they were at odds’. Funzors.
- Joanna and Romain at this sex therapist. I can’t watch. Why is there a camera in the room for this?
- Oh man. I like Alexia a little more every week. She’s gone through so much with her family at this point that she’s afraid to even be happy.
- ELSA IS HOME AND I FORGOT ABOUT HER FACE. Eep eep eep.
- Now I can’t stop thinking about what a glass of water with a piece of fish in it would taste like.
- Oh my god foul and disgusting Lenny please do not show us your battered and bruised midsection. Ughhhhh I won’t eat for a week.
- This fake date between Joanna and Romain. I can’t even. She’s wearing a brown wig and playing a ballerina. He’s wearing glasses that made me type ‘hahahahaaaaa’ in my notes while I was watching last night.
- UM HI HELLO WHY ARE WE WATCHING YOU GUYS STRIP EACH OTHER DOWN AND ALMOST HAVE SEX.
- I am looking directly at Joanna’s taint. Make it stop.
- Oh it stopped. And that’s almost worse, because these two really don’t have sex.
- Marysol setting up all these limp panties floating on balloons right at nose level for Adriana’s bachelorette party.
- I don’t even want to know how much Adriana’s wedding dress costs that she’s burning. UGH.