We think we know celebrities so well, don’t we? We think they drink diamond smoothies for breakfast and drive hovercrafts to their movie sets and go home to their mansions made of gold and swim in a dollar-sign-shaped pool filled with hundred dollar bills before retiring to a bed with blankets spun from unicorn hair. Or something like that, give or take a couple things. But if you really consider it, a lot of those celebrities probably don’t have as much money as we believe them to have. Just look at what they wear. If you could afford a shirt or a bra to go under that shirt, wouldn’t you wear it? Logic says you would. But these twelve celebrities don’t wear the clothes we assume that can afford, so clearly the only logical conclusion we can come to is that they actually can’t afford clothes. Should we all chip in to buy them each a full outfit?
1. Naya Rivera
Poor Naya can’t even afford a shirt that covers her entire torso. She was even forced to attend her brother’s football game this weekend wearing only half a football jersey. She’s lucky she has such amazing abs in the place where her shirt should be.
2. Miley Cyrus
(Photo: Crushable via Try CW/WENN)
Dear sweet Miley has such little saved up in her clothing budget she had to get rid of her clothes halfway through her “Wrecking Ball” video to save money. So sad. She tried her best to scrounge up what she could for the iHeartRadio Music Festival, grabbing the nearest stuffed polar bear, laundry bag and nipple covers, but it just wasn’t convincing.
3. Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber has such a hard time keeping a shirt on his back that he’s resorted to building a shirt out of tattoos. He’s already finished one sleeve. Now all that’s left is the other sleeve and the torso. Shirt donations are welcomed, preferably if the shirt is a very long wife-beater.
4. Lady Gaga
Gaga was recently caught wandering naked through the woods. She claims it was for art, but I think we all know she was on an epic quest for clothes. She’s so desperate for clothing she had to drape herself in meat to attend an award show. And you know how she wore that thong in the audience of the VMAs last month? Pretty sure she just didn’t have anything to change into.
5. Matthew McConaughey
Matthew seems to have come into a bit of shirt money in recent years, but there was a while there where I couldn’t picture what he looked like with a shirt on. Now that he’s regaining all that weight he lost for Dallas Buyers Club, I’m concerned he’s going to spend all his money on food and go back to old shirtless McConaughey. It’s pleasant to look at, sure, but I don’t want him to be chilly.
Rihanna’s gotten so used to not having clothes that she shares pictures of her half-naked self on her Instagram account with no shame. It’s just become second nature to her. That’s what happens when you spend all your money on changing your hairstyle every other day and don’t have anything left for pants.
7. Farrah Abraham
In this case Farrah took her bikini-only wardrobe and turned it into a career for herself in porn. What a Cinderella story for the ages.
Ke$ha herself said she smells like a hobo, and she’s even worn a garbage bag dress. Are we sure this isn’t just because that’s all she can afford? She clearly can’t afford pants.
9. David Beckham
To be fair, David Beckham’s wife is a fashion designer, and it looks like she dresses him in the finest clothes when she can, but David just can’t seem to find clothes for himself when he’s alone. Whether he’s doing a photoshoot or running around the soccer field, Becks is very often shirtless. Or pantsless. Sometimes both.
10. Lena Dunham
Even at the Emmys last year Lena Dunham had to hide in a bathroom stall for lack of clothing. Her wardrobe budget on Girls must also be teensy tiny, because I know her boobs like the back of my hand.
11. Adam Levine
Poor Adam Levine has no clothes, and his fiancee Behati Prinsloo takes photos of it and makes fun of him on Instagram. Has she no compassion? I’m also worried because Adam is always wearing those ripped T-shirts on The Voice. How long has he had those? Should we buy him a new one?
12. Jennifer Aniston
(Photo: Dennis Van Tine/Future Image/WENN.com)
To be fair, the photograph above was taken on the set of Jen’s movie Squirrels to the Nuts, but let’s be honest. She never wears a bra. I think we should stop our desperate search for her baby bump and start searching for where her bra went. Her nipples were practically the seventh and eighth main characters on Friends.