I don’t want to say that Halloween is the most stressful part of the year — because god knows we all have to keep coming up with inventive ways to celebrate Arbor Day and how many tree-themed recipes can there really be in the world? — but it’s definitely up there.
There’s so much pressure to have an awesome costume and look sexy and stuff, when in reality my concerns are basically, A. am I funny? and B. am I warm? Ideally people would be able to recognize and identify my costume on their own, but I’m not choosy, okay? Bottom line, I’m looking to show up at your Halloween party, kick back on a couch somewhere with your cat and a beverage, and have a stylish time that will later be reflected in the photos of the event.
All I require is a smidgen of originality, a respectable amount of cleavage, maybe a stick-on mustache and a silly outfit, and I’m out the door and on my way. Which in itself sounds really simple, I know, but this is 2013 and things have been done before. All things. Almost every thing(s). So I’ve gone ahead and made the assumption that you’re just like me (which is already dangerous), and put together a list of all the unsexy celebrities whom you could turn into sexy costumes this year. In the blink of an eye or the wink of a hat or the shake of a lamb’s beard or something. Enjoy.
1. Bill Nye
Requirements: Bow-tie, lab coat, thirst for knowledge, and then go crazy with the sexy stuff. Maybe hot pants or something else suitably Dancing With The Stars-themed.
2. North West
Requirements: A Chanel onesie and distant, self-absorbed parents. There’s only one picture of the girl out there, so how can you go wrong?
3. Joe Biden
Requirements: Some magical combination of wig + bald cap, a patriotic tie, and a set of false teeth. Now mingle about the party and get to straight-talking at your
fellow costume-wearers constituents. Nothing sexier than that.
4. Boy King
So he’s already the second baby on this list of sexy costumes. So what? You got a problem?
Requirements: A crown, a diaper, and a scepter, with the option to go topless, depending on how sexy you want to get with this.
Requirements: As long as you get the hair and the drag queen makeup right, you can wear whatever you want. (If anyone objects, just tell them your success is all the sexiness you need.)
6. Donald Trump
Requirements: A can of orange paint and the kind of hairstyle that you can loop back over itself, and a really killer smirk. Oh, and a low-cut shirt to really show off your Trump Towers, y’know?
7. Clay Aiken
Requirements: The bad news — you have to wear an American Idol t-shirt for this one, and probably one that says your name. The good news — it can be tight as hell. Also be prepared to spike your hair, wear dumb glasses, and come in second place in your costume competition.
8. Paula Deen
Requirements: Bake yourself a large cake out of butter and a Jell-O mold and hide inside in your white-blond wig and leftover drag queen makeup from your Oprah costume, leaping out with a whoop any and every time you see a person of color.
9. Ben Affleck’s beard
Requirements: Cover yourself in a fine layer of glue and then roll around on the floor of a barbershop. Then spend the rest of the party demanding to be taken seriously and complaining about your home life.
10. Miley Cyrus
Requirements: Red lipstick, a short haircut, a foam finger. Nothing else.
11. Jonah Hill
Requirements: A tight-fitting white shirt with pit stains that says ‘Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill’. Cleavage encouraged.
12. Hulk Hogan
Requirements: A little banana hammock and a kerchief for your bald head. The rest is up to you.
13. Tilda Swinton
Requirements: A sweeping, floor-length skirt and two live caterpillars to serve as pasties. If you can only get them to stop roaming around.
14. Louis CK
Requirements: Some red scraggly hairs for your head and chin, plus a black shirt and pants with a hole cut in the butt for easy access to farts.
15. Grumpy Cat
Requirements: A pair of cat ears, a sexy top, and a perpetual scowl
16. Conan O’Brien
Requirements: Two wigs stacked on top of each other, a tasteful power suit with at least three inches of cleavage. (To correspond to Conan’s height.)
17. Kris Jenner
Requirements: A lowcut tuxedo with…points. Think sexy penguin.
18. Joan Rivers
Requirements: Silly Putty for your face, every piece of costume jewelry in your collection, and no pants.
20. The Pope
Requirements: Just don’t wear anything under the robe.
20. Napoleon Dynamite
(Photo: Twentieth Century Fox/IMDb)
Requirements: Look exactly like Jon Heder in every way, just with only a bra instead of a full shirt. It’s a really topical costume idea, I promise.
21. Hilary Clinton
Requirements: No adjustment required. Dress like Hilary in an outdated power suit, and you will automatically be the sexiest human being possible. Oops, my politics are showing.
22. Marilyn Manson
Requirements: Hold all of your flesh above a candle until slightly melted, then jiggle around until it redistributes on your body. Then slip into something more comfortable. (Lingerie.)
23. Carrot Top
Requirements: Bra and panties with a carrot tied to the top of your head. It’s not rocket science.
24. Ugly Betty
Requirements: Just think of it as America Ferrera before she grew into her looks. You need braces, bad fashion, and the knowledge than in less than five years, you’ll be so far past this awkward phase that you can’t even be on TV as her anymore.