• Mon, Sep 30 - 4:28 pm ET

24 Unsexy Celebrities Who Make Great Sexy Costumes

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I don’t want to say that Halloween is the most stressful part of the year — because god knows we all have to keep coming up with inventive ways to celebrate Arbor Day and how many tree-themed recipes can there really be in the world? — but it’s definitely up there.

There’s so much pressure to have an awesome costume and look sexy and stuff, when in reality my concerns are basically, A. am I funny? and B. am I warm? Ideally people would be able to recognize and identify my costume on their own, but I’m not choosy, okay? Bottom line, I’m looking to show up at your Halloween party, kick back on a couch somewhere with your cat and a beverage, and have a stylish time that will later be reflected in the photos of the event.

All I require is a smidgen of originality, a respectable amount of cleavage, maybe a stick-on mustache and a silly outfit, and I’m out the door and on my way. Which in itself sounds really simple, I know, but this is 2013 and things have been done before. All things. Almost every thing(s). So I’ve gone ahead and made the assumption that you’re just like me (which is already dangerous), and put together a list of all the unsexy celebrities whom you could turn into sexy costumes this year. In the blink of an eye or the wink of a hat or the shake of a lamb’s beard or something. Enjoy.

1. Bill Nye

Bill Nye Arriving At Dancing With The Stars September 19 2013 Los Angeles California(Photo: Michael Wright/WENN)

Requirements: Bow-tie, lab coat, thirst for knowledge, and then go crazy with the sexy stuff. Maybe hot pants or something else suitably Dancing With The Stars-themed.

2. North West

Baby North West(Photo: Crushable via WENN)

Requirements: A Chanel onesie and distant, self-absorbed parents. There’s only one picture of the girl out there, so how can you go wrong?

3. Joe Biden

Joe Biden February 5 2013 London England United Kingdom(Photo: Daniel Deme/WENN)

Requirements: Some magical combination of wig + bald cap, a patriotic tie, and a set of false teeth. Now mingle about the party and get to straight-talking at your fellow costume-wearers constituents. Nothing sexier than that.

4. Boy King

Kate Middleton Prince George July 23 2013 London England UK(Photo: Craig Harris/WENN)

So he’s already the second baby on this list of sexy costumes. So what? You got a problem?
Requirements: A crown, a diaper, and a scepter, with the option to go topless, depending on how sexy you want to get with this.

5. Oprah

Oprah Winfrey The Butler Premiere August 12 2013 Los Angeles California(Photo: Apega/WENN)

Requirements: As long as you get the hair and the drag queen makeup right, you can wear whatever you want. (If anyone objects, just tell them your success is all the sexiness you need.)

6. Donald Trump

Donald Trump Miss USA Pageant June 16 2013 Las Vegas Nevada(Photo: Judy Eddy/WENN)

Requirements: A can of orange paint and the kind of hairstyle that you can loop back over itself, and a really killer smirk. Oh, and a low-cut shirt to really show off your Trump Towers, y’know?

7. Clay Aiken

Clay Aiken Recieves Caricature December 23 2008 New York City NY(Photo: Joseph Marzullo/WENN)

Requirements: The bad news — you have to wear an American Idol t-shirt for this one, and probably one that says your name. The good news — it can be tight as hell. Also be prepared to spike your hair, wear dumb glasses, and come in second place in your costume competition.

8. Paula Deen

Paula Deen Today Show New York City, NY May 22 2012(Photo: WENN)

Requirements: Bake yourself a large cake out of butter and a Jell-O mold and hide inside in your white-blond wig and leftover drag queen makeup from your Oprah costume, leaping out with a whoop any and every time you see a person of color.

9. Ben Affleck’s beard

Ben Affleck Vanity Fair Oscar Party February 25 2013 Los Angeles California(Photo: Brian To/WENN)

Requirements: Cover yourself in a fine layer of glue and then roll around on the floor of a barbershop. Then spend the rest of the party demanding to be taken seriously and complaining about your home life.

10. Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus iHeartRadio Music Festival September 21 2013 Las Vegas Nevada(Photo: Judy Eddy/WENN)

Requirements: Red lipstick, a short haircut, a foam finger. Nothing else.

11. Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill Seen Out and About Los Angeles California July 16 2013(Photo: WENN)

Requirements: A tight-fitting white shirt with pit stains that says ‘Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill’. Cleavage encouraged.

12. Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan Global TV Morning Show August 23 2013 Toronto Canada(Photo: Dominic Chan/WENN)

Requirements: A little banana hammock and a kerchief for your bald head. The rest is up to you.

13. Tilda Swinton

Tilda Swinton Pringle Flagship Opening London England UK September 16 2013(Photo: WENN)

Requirements: A sweeping, floor-length skirt and two live caterpillars to serve as pasties. If you can only get them to stop roaming around.

14. Louis CK

Louis CK 64th Annual Emmys September 23 2012 Los Angeles California(Photo: WENN)

Requirements: Some red scraggly hairs for your head and chin, plus a black shirt and pants with a hole cut in the butt for easy access to farts.

15. Grumpy Cat

Grumpy Cat Book Paw Print Signing The Grove Los Angeles California July 24 2013(Photo: Try CW/WENN)

Requirements: A pair of cat ears, a sexy top, and a perpetual scowl

16. Conan O’Brien

Conan O'Brien The Late Show With David Letterman May 17 2012 New York City NY(Photo: WENN)

Requirements: Two wigs stacked on top of each other, a tasteful power suit with at least three inches of cleavage. (To correspond to Conan’s height.)

17. Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner Celebrities At The Grove August 20 2013 Los Angeles California(Photo: Try CW/WENN)

Requirements: A lowcut tuxedo with…points. Think sexy penguin.

18. Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers Heller Awards Beverly Hills California September 20 2013(Photo: Nikki Nelson/WENN)

Requirements: Silly Putty for your face, every piece of costume jewelry in your collection, and no pants.

20. The Pope

Pope Francis Palm Sunday Celebrations March 24 2013 Vatican City Italy (Photo: WENN)

Requirements: Just don’t wear anything under the robe.

20. Napoleon Dynamite

Napolean Dynamite Still(Photo: Twentieth Century Fox/IMDb)

Requirements: Look exactly like Jon Heder in every way, just with only a bra instead of a full shirt. It’s a really topical costume idea, I promise.

21. Hilary Clinton

Hilary Clinton Annual Women of the World Summit March 10 2013 New York City NY(Photo: WENN)

Requirements: No adjustment required. Dress like Hilary in an outdated power suit, and you will automatically be the sexiest human being possible. Oops, my politics are showing.

22. Marilyn Manson

Marilyn Manson Spring Breakers Premiere Hollywood California February 24 2007(Photo: Daniel Tanner/WENN)

Requirements: Hold all of your flesh above a candle until slightly melted, then jiggle around until it redistributes on your body. Then slip into something more comfortable. (Lingerie.)

23. Carrot Top

Carrot Top Twentieth Century Fox September 18 2013 LAs Vegas Nevada(Photo: Judy Eddy/WENN)

Requirements: Bra and panties with a carrot tied to the top of your head. It’s not rocket science.

24. Ugly Betty

Ugly Betty New York City NY March 2 2010(Photo: A. Miller/WENN)

Requirements: Just think of it as America Ferrera before she grew into her looks. You need braces, bad fashion, and the knowledge than in less than five years, you’ll be so far past this awkward phase that you can’t even be on TV as her anymore.

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  • Jill O’Rourke

    That description of Marilyn Manson is possibly the most accurate thing I’ve ever read.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I’m gonna put it in a science text and make my first million.