I set the bar prettttty low for Michael Lohan, and yet he continues successfully limbo-ing beneath it, like today when he released a statement insulting one of his daughters, Ashley Horn, by saying that she’s ‘riding the coattails’ of his other daughters Lindsay and Ali Lohan. (And yes, I’m aware that to truly understand that metaphor, you have to imagine a world where successful limbos are a bad thing and not a good thing. Sorry. Just imagine somewhere without beach parties.)
But anyway. Michael’s newest crusade to prove that he’s the actual worst father I’ve ever heard of comes in the form of mocking Ashley — his daughter — publicly to the media for her admittedly ridiculous decision to get plastic surgery to look more like her half-sister, Lindsay. She’s only eighteen, and she’s already spent $25,000 on five different procedures in hopes of resembling ‘Lindsay in her prime’, around age eighteen or nineteen. And then once she spent money on that (or her mom did, at least), she then spent time talking to In Touch Weekly about it. Really dumb stuff. Like, completely idiotic stuff.
And I get to make fun of it, because I’m a celebrity blogger and pointing out this kind of nonsense is literally my job. Michael Lohan on the other hand, does not get to make fun of it, because this girl is his daughter and ohmygod Michael Lohan pull it together. But instead of doing that, he gave a statement to Radar Online about the whole thing, and it’s so rich in poor parenting sound bytes that I need to break it up into chunks to give each ridiculous statement the attention it deserves:
“Do you think my daughters actually would want to have anything to do with Ashley when all she’s trying to do is ride on Lindsay and Ali’s coattails? I don’t think so.”
Okay cool. Great place to start, because you’re using the term ‘my daughters’, Michael, as if that doesn’t actually apply to all three girls you’re discussing. Ashley may be Lindsay and Ali’s estranged half-sister, but she’s your full daughter, so be a human about this.
“I think it’s sick, and somewhat pathetic, that a mother would allow her 18-year-old to do such a thing when Dina and I would NEVER condone anything like that for Ali or Lindsay.”
Hello! Me again! Just want to make sure we’re not starting a parenting conversation that involves you and Dina Lohan. Just want to make sure that’s not something we’re doing, when your daughter just wrapped up her sixth stay in rehab at age twenty-seven.
“And other than maybe a little lip plumper, nothing was ever done with either of my daughters.”
Okay but then who fixed Lindsay’s face when it was literally falling.to.pieces a couple years ago? We all saw those photos. It was very Faces Of Meth up in here, and that sort of thing doesn’t just resolve itself.
But sure, tell me more about how you are a good father with your daughters’ best interests in mind. And make sure you also try to undermine this woman Kristi, with whom you cheated on your wife, Dina. Tell me how you saw all this coming. That will give you tons of credibility.
“The minute Kristi and Ashley started asking me to get them tickets to red carpet events, and for money for singing lessons, set a real alarm off. Then suggesting that Ashley meet Lindsay and Ali and not even mentioning my boys, said a lot in itself. When she calls, all Kristi does is cry about money and being broke. After getting so much money from me — along with the money from publicity of Ashley being our daughter — its pretty disgusting that she would spend the money on this.”
Well, the disgustingness where he criticizes the a mother of one of his children aside, at least he said ‘our daughter’. That’s a step in…a direction, I guess. My god my standards for him are depressingly low.
(Image: Hugh Dillon / WENN.com)