For the past month or so it’s been like our brain TVs were stuck on The Miley Cyrus Show and we lost the remote. As a consequence, we almost forgot about Justin Bieber. Sure, he showed up on our radar a few times, mostly for drug-related things, but for the most part he’s kind of been that guy we use as a punch line in stories about other people but don’t actively report on. Bieber must have caught wind of this, because Monday night during a concert in Singapore he made sure he wore his saggiest of saggy pants for our viewing (dis)pleasure.
In a moment captured in an Instagram video, Bieber did his signature caveman impression, hobbling shirtless around the stage with no shirt on using his hand as a belt, as he’s wont to do. But this time the pants situation looked particularly precarious. One wrong dance move and the leather tote bag he calls trousers would have been around his ankles.
At the end of the video he runs off, tighty whiteys in plain view, and I can only assume he’s realized he accidentally grabbed Jared the Subway guy’s pre-eat-fresh pants by accident and needs to return them immediately. That’s the only explanation for why someone would purposely wear pants that require you to constantly hold them up lest they slide down your legs like a cartoon character every five seconds. It’s one thing to wear a drop-crotch so far from your actual anatomical crotch that it looks like you just gave birth to a baby in there. It’s a whole other thing to just wear pants too big for your little Biebery body.
I feel like we need to get Stacy and Clinton from What Not To Wear on the case, for a lot of reasons, but mostly to tell Justin he needs to start dressing for the body he has. Because right now I keep expecting him to hoist the pants up, hold the waistband away from his body and declare, “I lost 100 pounds on [insert weight loss product here] and now I don’t have to wear these pants anymore.” So why are you wearing them, Justin? Just why?
(Photo: Sean O’Neill, PacificCoastNews)