Jessica Alba Totally Regrets Not Realizing How Hot She Was In Her Twenties

Jessica Alba attending Philip Lim for Target event September 2013Professional attractive person Jessica Alba doesn’t have many regrets, but one of them is not realizing how goddamn attractive she was when she was younger! Yes, this is a real thing that came out of a real mouth and was recorded in the pages of a real live health magazine.

Like, honestly, if I were trying to create a perfect physical specimen of a human being, it would probably look a lot like Jessica Alba. And not Jessica Alba of a few years ago — Jessica Alba of right now. She’s literally famous for being beautiful, you guys, so it is completely insane to me to hear her talking about her body like this, as if she isn’t already ten million times more attractive that all of us put together. Scrabble together some self-awareness, lady, and then come back to me. Here’s what Jessica had to say in a recent interview with Health magazine:

“I was a lot more critical of my body when it was probably pretty awesome. It’s like, why did I not ever wear jean shorts? That’s so crazy. I was so skinny! I didn’t have any cellulite…what was I thinking?!”

THAT IS SO CRAZY MY MIND IS LITERALLY BLOWN. I cannot think of anything more insane in this entire world than the fact that this woman didn’t realize how hot she was back when her body was pretty awesome. I mean, talk about a tragedy. Talk about the great regrets in one’s life, y’know? SHE TOTALLY MISSED THE WINDOW ON JEAN SHORTS BECAUSE NOW SHE IS A HAGGARD BEAST.

“I was more willing to wear short skirts after I had my kids. I never wore them before. Ever. I was so self-conscious. But I remember I was 28 or 29, at an MTV award thing, and my girlfriend Kelly was like, ‘You should wear a short skirt, because you are not going to be this age forever.’”

Congratulations, I officially have absolutely zero sympathy for Jessica Alba at any age. I can’t decide which part is crazier — that she needed a friend to tell her how hot she was, or that she felt the need to recount this story to an interviewer at a health magazine. I can’t decide whether #humblebrag or #firstworldproblems is more appropos to this situation.

“Now I’m a lot more confident in my skin — because who cares? At the end of the day, it’s so much time spent on something that really doesn’t matter that much.”

‘Who cares!’ …said a woman whoooo obviously cares very much. She proves that she cares about her appearance maybe the most out of anyone ever because A. she gets work based on it, B. she consistently improves upon it with makeup, workouts, hair coloring, fashion choices, etcetera and C. she just spent an entire article talking about it. I see, you Jessica Alba.

I’m fine with you accepting that you’re naturally very attractive and being grateful for that, but when you grump about not realizing how hot you were earlier in your life and talk about that time as a missed opportunity, as if you’re a saggy old gremlin now, I am seriously turned off. Nice try, Alba. No points awarded.


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    • Olivia Wilson

      How about we call this is a #firstworldbrag of the highest degree.

      • Alexis Rhiannon


      • Guest

        Olivia Wilson – do you write for the blog? I feel like you should. I’m almost always highly amused by your comments. That is all.

      • Olivia Wilson

        Ahh, this is so nice of you to say. Thanks! And yep, I’m one of Crushable’s interns, so I occasionally write things.

    • Ria

      I remember reading years ago that she grew up with a lot of obese family members so I think she may have some body image issues.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Yeah, maybe blindness could be one of them? Just saying.

      • Pushkin

        Good one!

    • iria

      Just because someone has a good body doesn’t mean they feel that way! Pretty people can be insecure….. Not fun to make fun of it. Good for her to be open about it and for feeling better aout herself

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        It was pretty fun for me to make fun of it!

    • Pushkin

      She’s obnoxious, but right. EVERYONE has a better body in their twenties than they do later in life. Even if your body sucks in your twenties, trust me, things will all start to go south once you hit your thirties and beyond – you just get to a point where you don’t care so much. The only good thing about getting older is you get wiser!

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Well yeah, but she has a really bangin’ body now. So it makes me feel DOUBLY bad that she’s not into it when it’s so much better than mine is now. And I’m in my twenties!

    • Eileen

      Meh, I’m not bothered by this. I think Barbra Streisand once said something similar – that she spent her twenties being very critical of her looks, and then as she got older, looked back thinking, man, I will never look as good as I did then, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. That sucks. Which is probably fair. You (and I) might think she still looks beautiful now, but perspective can be a funny thing. (I only single out Streisand because she’s not known for being conventionally attractive – but I remember Christie Brinkley saying the same thing, and a lot of other women, for that matter)

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I can get on board with this — with the idea that you learn to love yourself later in life and regret not loving it all earlier. I just don’t like the way Jessica went about it.

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    • Isabelle

      I think it’s so strange how we honor self deprecation but find it off putting when people are honest about loving the way they look. I don’t think she was being arrogant or full of herself but I do find myself cringing when people who make no self deprecating comments about themselves and are honest about how talented they are or attractive, funny etc etc. I just think it’s something we all should appreciate instead of cringing at.