You know that thing where you have a new friend at work or something, and they invite you to a gig that their band is doing, or an improv show, or to a cabaret showcase? And you’re so totally jazzed about your coworker as a person….until you go see their thing, and it totally sucks, and you can never see them in the same way?
Well that’s my nightmare, first of all, because I’m totally that stereotypical person at work who invites people to my shows — but also it’s been happening to me a lot with a ton of different celebrities. They seem really cool, or they’re really good at modeling, or really poised in interviews or something, but then I go to watch them in a movie and I’m like, “Ew yuck no, what is this?” And I even give them the benefit of the doubt, but then I see a few more movies and it’s just…really obvious. And I hate it.
It’s just another little reminder that life isn’t fair: you can be beautiful, rich, famous, and talented in other areas, and still not have anything fantabulous going on in the acting department, y’know? And yes, all these people are far more successful than I will ever be, and the fact that they’re not super great at acting doesn’t seem to have hurt their careers any. Don’t think I don’t notice that. But they chose acting for their job, and I chose blogging for mine, so I think they’re fair game. We all have different skill sets: you get paid XXXXX dollars to do your job, and I get paid .000XX dollars to criticize it.
So here they are, folks — 11 Great Celebrities Who I Wish Were Better Actors.
1. EMMA WATSON
I loved her in Harry Potter, and I will defend Emma as Hermione until the day I die, but is it possible that she peaked early? She’s got a lot of other stuff going for her! She went to an Ivy League, can rock a pixie cut, is into sustainable fashion, and is super likable in interviews. Maybe acting just isn’t her thing.
2. ZAC EFRON
I wanted to love you in movies, Zac, but then you turned down Footloose and simultaneously broke my heart and proved that you don’t know the first thing about your movie career. You do know some things about abs, though. So that’s a bonus.
3. DREW BARRYMORE
You seem like a real nice lady, but until you can talk out of somewhere other than the side of your mouth, I think I’m okay for now.
4. BEN AFFLECK
Yeah yeah yeah, Ben, you’re real great with your shiny new Argo and all, and your kids are super adorable. But let’s just say we all saw Pearl Harbor and leave it at that. You don’t want me to bring up Gigli, do you?
5. SELENA GOMEZ
Oh Selena, you sweet sweet treasure. You seem so lovely, but we can’t take you seriously in any kind of role because you look like you’re twelve.
6. TOBEY MAGUIRE
It’s not saying much when you’re the least memorable part of The Great Gatsby.
7. CAMERON DIAZ
I assume she’d be really fun to hang out with in real life, but she effectively ruined The Holiday for me, and I can never forgive her for it. Once you realize how bad she is, you can never unsee it.
8. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
I wouldn’t say JT is the worst thing ever, but I’d prefer for my memory of him and his music to be untainted by the fact that he’s about to play A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT at age thirty-two in Runner Runner.
9. JESSICA ALBA
If anyone was going to be a Jessica Alba fan it was me — I got on board with her career on the ground floor, with Dark Angel. But then Honey came along, and it’s all been downhill since. Maybe stick to being an awesome mom and looking ridiculously gorgeous on the red carpet? Cool.
10. CHANNING TATUM
Can he dance? Yes. Is his daughter Everly adorable? Yes. But until we can start talking about him in a movie without the caveat of ‘surprisingly good’ or ‘not that bad’, we need to stop casting him in every single thing ever.
11. BLAKE LIVELY
Another beautiful gem upon whom I could gaze for days, and who seems like a very nice girl in every interview I’ve seen. I just think maybe she coasts on her looks a little bit, acting-wise? Any chance that’s a real thing?