We haven’t even exhausted all our “Wake Me Up When September Ends” jokes, and already everybody’s talking about Halloween. Well, everybody except the Kardashians. They’re all about Christmas these days. Halloween and the pumpkin-flavored days that surround it happen to my favorite time of the year, so I’m all for getting a head start. It’s never too early to start planning your Halloween costume, especially if you choose one of these nine pop culture topics as inspiration. We have approximately six weeks between today and October 31st, and that just happens to be how long it’ll take you to really prepare these complex costumes. But if you’re truly committed to Halloween, you’ll take the time.
1. Anne Hathaway on Oscar Night 2013
It’s not enough to just get a replica of Anne’s nipple-centric dress and cut your hair into a pixie style and whisper “It came true” all night. Much like Anne herself put plenty of preparation and oatmeal paste into her role in Les Miserables, so will you have to properly get into the character of newly Oscared Anne. Six weeks is the approximate amount of time between the Oscar nominations announcement and the awards ceremony. Use that time to really perfect your arrogance and faux-modesty. And don’t get yourself the actual Oscar statue until the day of, to make sure you really capture the right kind of Hathawayan joy. Bonus points if you have an actual person dress as the Oscar and just make out with them all night.
2. Shailene Woodley
You can’t just go makeup-free and wear those toe shoes. Woodland fairy Shailene Woodley likes herbs and homemade toothpaste and hand-picked vegetables, all of which you’ll have to grow and gather yourself to use as convincing props. You’ll also want to perfect Shailene’s morning song every day until you can perform it convincingly without sounding like you want to murder the sun for coming through your window. Method acting it essential here.
3. Kim Kardashian Making Her Post-Baby Debut
Do you know Kim Kardashian took just over six weeks to make her post-baby debut on Kris Jenner’s talk show? Talk about perfect timing to be discussing this costume idea. Ideally, you’ll want to give birth in the next 24 hours and spend the next few weeks working out nonstop. If that doesn’t work for your schedule, just don’t leave the house until Halloween night, and then cover your entire body with a black sheet, framing only your head and shoulders with a TV screen. Voila!
4. Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret
I know what you’re thinking. How can I dress up like a movie? I don’t care how you do it; that’s all up for interpretation. What matters is that there were only about six weeks between the Jodi Arias verdict and the premiere of Lifetime’s movie, so that’s how long you should take to make your costume. It’s all about authenticity, my friend.
5. Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian On Their Wedding Day
(Photo: Judy Eddy / WENN.com)
Khloe and Lamar Odom were only together for about a month before their fairy tale wedding. In order for this couples costume to be convincing, you’ll want to find someone substantially different from you in height and fall in love with them immediately. Then on Halloween, dress up in wedding attire and act like you’re in love. Which you are, like I said. Then stay together until four Halloweens later and go as the maritally strained version of Khloe and Lamar. You’re welcome.
6. A Taylor Swift Song
(Photo: Judy Eddy/WENN.com)
Another love-related costume. Find a man — any man — and start a relationship with him. Get him to break your heart before Halloween and then write a revenge song about him. Get the sheet music blown up really large and wrap it around your body with a hole for your head to stick through. It just won’t be convincing unless you go through this process, you see.
7. Gwyneth Paltrow and Her Side Butt
You might have heard Gwyneth’s story about having to “scramble to find a razor” before donning this side-butt-baring dress to the Iron Man 3 premiere in April, because she “rocks a ’70s vibe.” Clearly this means you’ll need to take six weeks to properly grow out your pubic hair, then shave it right before putting a replica of her dress on. Trust me, nobody will know who you are if you don’t take the time to do this.
8. Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance
Robin Thicke explained that this performance was all planned out ahead of time to cause a controversy. You know they probably put waaaay more preparation into it than they’d have us believe. I’m sure there were countless meetings with foam finger specialists to find the one that would look the most vulgar being used to masturbate with, various screen tests for the teddy bear dancers, and hours upon hours of twerk training. If you put in the right preparation, people will be writing in to the FCC about you by 12:01 AM on November 1st.
9. Justin Bieber and His Mustache
(Photo: Getty Images)
Justin Bieber’s mustache takes lots of time and motherly nurturing to grow. We’re still waiting for it to actually show up in adult form, but if you want to achieve his “creepy little peach fuzz” look, I’d say you’ll need about six weeks to harvest the hairs. Not on your own face, of course, because no one but Bieber takes that long to grow a mustache, but in a Petri dish somewhere. Then pop it onto your upper lip, throw a few chains around your neck and go out on the town.
(Lead GIF: Tumblr)