You might have heard the news that Leonardo DiCaprio will star in a biopic about U.S. President Woodrow Wilson. He’s also reportedly playing Rasputin. This got us thinking about how many period pieces Leo has starred in. There have certainly been a lot. In the ’90s he would bring his mop of blond boy band hair to various periods in history, and then when the new millennium hit he started taking on grittier roles that required him to slick his hair back and maybe wear disgusting false teeth like the serious actor that he is.
If you’re anything like me, you went through a bit of a Leo phase in your youth, and you likely have a favorite among these time-traveling tales. But what does your favorite of Leo’s period pieces say about you? More specifically, what does it say about your taste in men? What kind of guy would inspire you to build a time machine and travel back multiple decades to be with him? Lucky for you, we’ve put together a list of Leo’s many period pieces, in order based on the year they’re set. Find your favorite, watching trailers to jog your memory, and prepare to get some insight into why you choose the guys you choose. It all goes back to Leonardo DiCaprio, after all. Let’s face it, all those other, more attainable men totally suck.
I’d tell you my favorite, but then you might use the findings to make me fall in love with you. And I just don’t have time for that right now.
The Man in the Iron Mask
You’re always a bit conflicted about the kind of guys you like. You tend to fall for the douchey types, but then once you’ve been with them a while you wish you could find a guy who doesn’t talk about himself all the time — or just a guy who doesn’t talk at all. You also may or may not have a fetish for twins. And French guys with inexplicable American accents.
You always fall for the tortured souls, don’t you? You like a guy who’ll compare your face to a sunrise or your body to a wonderland. So basically John Mayer. Have you ever dated John Mayer? But I’m also sensing you have a thing for younger men. Did you see One Direction: This is Us by yourself on opening weekend? Yeah, I thought so.
I don’t want to jump to any offensive conclusions here, but have you ever dated a guy who was on Big Brother? Or maybe one who once went to a party at Paula Deen’s house? I’m getting the feeling you might have.
Gangs of New York
You want a man with strong beliefs that he’ll stand up and fight for when necessary. He may or may not have signed an anti-Batfleck petition. Oh, and you’re also really attracted to Irish brogues.
The Quick and the Dead
You ain’t afraid of a little danger. You’re into the type of relationship where the guy might die at any moment, or at least be seriously injured. Your boyfriend probably watches a lot of Jackass and at one point or another frequented a half-pipe.
You want a man who’ll sacrifice anything and everything for you, even if that sacrifice isn’t really necessary. Like if he gives you all of his fries at dinner even though you have a full plate of your own. You’re also really into poor guys. And car sex.
The Great Gatsby
You like money and fireworks and money and nice parties and money and champagne and money and caviar and money. Sometimes caviar made of money. Did I mention money?
You like a man who takes control in the relationship. When he demands that you spend 45 minutes disinfecting the kitchen counter before you two have spontaneous sex on it, your heart goes pitter-patter.
Oh, c’mon, just admit it. You’re into cross-dressers. No shame. But honestly, who are you and how is this your favorite Leo period piece?
You’re attracted to men who put all their focus into their hobbies and don’t pay enough attention to you. Especially when their hobby is conspiracy theories. Be honest with me, are your boyfriend’s bedroom walls covered in newspaper clippings? Ah, just as I suspected.
You’re a traditionalist. You want the white picket fence and the hard-working husband and the adorable kids and the disillusionment and eventual crippling torment that comes from a loveless marriage defined by society’s unrealistic expectations of the perfect sitcom life. You also enjoy binge-watching Mad Men on the couch with your guy.
Catch Me If You Can
You like a relationship that’s heavy on the role-playing. Like you meet up at a bar in vintage clothes and pretend you don’t know each other, and then you go home together and he steals your checkbook and leaves and you never see him again. Something like that.