• Thu, Sep 19 2013

Amy Poehler Is Shopping Around For A New BFF, And Luckily For Her I’m On The Clearance Rack

Amy Poehler lower your expectations quote

In a brand new interview with VultureAmy Poehler reveals what she’s looking for in a best friend. Then — and this the part where you get excited –she says she hasn’t found one yet. As in, the the position is still open! Better yet, she lists alllll the qualifications out so you can spiff up your resume before sending it over.

What do you look for in a best friend?

The things that everyone should look for: money, connections, power, sexiness, thick hair, fast cars, a sweet-ass booty, and a desire to travel.

With the exception of 90% of those things, I’m a perfect fit. And I’ll be an even more perfect fit after I swap out a few things on my resume. For example: I will be removing “Crushable.com Editor” and be replacing it with “SweetAssBooty.Org” Or should I go with a .gov? Is a .gov too obvious of a lie? I can never decide. Either way, SweetAssBooty.something is getting a prominent place on my revised res. Also getting changed? My LinkedIn title. How does Possessor of Power sound? Natural, right? Like that’s a thing you can be. Especially if your profile photo is a picture of you getting pulled over for a speeding ticket en route to the airport. Fast cars, check. Desire to travel. Double check.

Really the only thing standing in my way at the moment is the elephant in the room. And that incredibly talented elephant would obviously be Tina Fey. Considering that I’m only 1/3 of the woman that she is — it’s hard to imagine that I could score this coveted position if she couldn’t. I mean she’s Tina Fey. And I’m just a girl who enjoys night cheese 8 nights of the week . Then again, miracles happen! The Mighty Ducks won the championships, Andy Sachs figured out how to make Miranda Priestly happy and Gwyneth Paltrow talked about her abundance of pubic hair on television twice this year. So maybe, with a little hair thickening shampoo, I could make this happen.

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