Like every other young girl who dreamed of growing up to be a Sanderson Sister, I’ve watched Hocus Pocus several thousand times. I know all the lines and all the spells and all the times I would’ve taken Max and Emily away from their negligent parents had I worked for Child Services in Salem in 1993. While I assumed that all American children grew up being indoctrinated by this movie, I’ve recently come to find that that’s simply not true. There are human beings out there who’ve only seen this movie a couple times. Or worse, just once. How can you possibly build a solid foundation in witchcraft if you haven’t watched this movie fourteen billion times? This isn’t Hogwarts people. You can’t just pull a sword out of a hat because you need it. Perfecting black magic takes practice.
But enough of my rant and onto my thought=provoking analysis!
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 0 times….you know that the odds are pretty high that your parents don’t love you. Or care about your future. Odds are also high they’re wolves.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 1 time…you’re probably the kind of person who thinks you can just walk into Yankee Candle all willy nilly and ask if they have that black candle that brings witches back when a virgin lights it.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 2-9 times…you grew up in fear that a bully would one day rob you of your brand new sneakers when you walked home from school. Even though you didn’t walk home from school or ever wear good snekers.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 10+ times…you know exactly how to pronounce booOOooooooook. You also know that it’s Thackery Binx and not Zachary Binx. Annndd you know that bringing up a lady’s yabbos the first time you meet her is rude.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 20+ times…you sometimes see large groups of small children and find yourself singing “come littlte children, I’ll taaakkkee thee away, into a land of enchantment.”
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 50+ times…you’re still hoping for a prequel to the movie that explores the complex relationship between Winnie Sanderson and Billy. I can only assume that they’re the Liz and Dick of the 1600s.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 100+ times…you’re well aware of the fact that you can’t kill witches by just locking them in a ceramics kiln. Duh. Also you have a soft spot for zombies.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 1000+ times…you wake up when your alarm goes off and just think to yourself, “another glorious morning, makes me sick.” But then you make yourself feel better by blasting “I Put A Spell on You” and pretending like you have the power to make everyone around you dance FOREVER.
If you’ve seen Hocus Pocus 1,000,000+ times…you should check the mail. The president’s most certainly mailed you an American Hero trophy.