Very often at Crushable we declare that a celebrity simply cannot be a real person. We don’t always specify exactly what that celebrity could be if not a real person, but the conspiracy theory exists nonetheless. Be it that they don’t exist at all or that they’re simply not human, some stars just give you that vibe. For me, this is likely a leftover from my childhood belief that famous people actually didn’t exist but were some sort of artificial creation for my television. Don’t worry, I figured it out soon enough, but I don’t think the sneaking suspicion ever really left my mind.
So here we present thirteen celebrities we’ve suspected of not being real people at all. Just look at our evidence and try to deny it. Just try!
Not only is she incredibly talented and gorgeous and every synonym for fierce, but this woman really cannot stop performing, no matter what obstacle is put in front of her. Whether her hair is caught in a moving fan or a human fan latches onto her, she just keeps on singing with total ease. She could be a cyborg or just God herself, but whatever it is I’m not so sure it’s human.
2. Ryan Gosling
Do we even have to discuss this? Gosling is God. He breaks up fights, his abs look photoshopped, and his face launched a thousand memes. What more proof do you want?
3. Kris Jenner
If all the other celebrities we mention in this list aren’t real people, I think it’s safe to assume they’re all creations of Kris Jenner’s evil mind. She’s a real-life Hollywood puppet master, and I’m not convinced that she limits her genius to her own family. Her greed is too overwhelming to be contained.
4. Ryan Seacrest
Either this man is a robot or he cloned himself ten times over in order to achieve his goal of hosting and producing every show on television. How else would he look so impeccable all the time? Rumor has it Brian Dunkleman knew too much and had to go into the Witness Protection Program. I mean, have you seen that guy lately?
5. Lady Gaga
She’s lost some of her shock value recently, but I’m still pretty sure Lady Gaga is from another planet. Those horn things she has sometimes? I’m positive she can force those to grow out of her head on command like those dolls with retractable ponytails.
6. Kate Middleton
No one’s hair can look that perfect all the time, even right after birth. I don’t care how many stylists she has; it’s simply not human. And haven’t you heard that the baby weight just “melted” off her? Is she an angel? Quite possibly.
7. Shailene Woodley
You will never convince me that this girl isn’t a woodland fairy. She loves herbs, she sings out loud upon waking up, and she makes her own goddamn toothpaste! I know you’re hiding wings under there, Shailene. I’m onto you.
8. Taylor Swift
This girl is either a genetic experiment combining a middle-schooler with an old woman, or she’s just a vintage ghost haunting the world’s antique shops for a reminder of who she once was. There’s really no other explanation.
9. Justin Timberlake
Is there anything this man can’t do? He has to be some sort of android. No human can host SNL that well that many times.
10. Tyra Banks
You mean to tell me Tyra thinks of all those unintentionally hilarious tweets of hers on her own? Yeah right. She’s clearly a robot operated by a comedian for our viewing pleasure.
11. Gwyneth Paltrow
No human can survive on brown rice and air and cigarettes. It just doesn’t happen. In addition to that, Gwyneth speaks in interviews as if she’s an alien who’s still adjusting to earthly society.
12. James Franco
No, James Franco, you do not exist. At least not as a real human. As I’ve argued before, you are literally just a human bucket list. Just paper and ink jumbled together into the shape of a handsome man. That’s why you keep adding so many items onto the list. If you finished it, you wouldn’t exist anymore.
13. Tilda Swinton
I have no doubt in my mind that this woman is an alien. She slept in a glass box for people’s viewing pleasure and posed with centipedes on her face as if they were her eyebrows. Need I say more?
(Lead GIF: Tumblr)