Tragic news on the fashion front, devoted Crushable readers — animatronic patron of vegan arts Gwyneth Paltrow has been devoured by a hungry white dress on the cover of the Australian version of Marie Claire. She was just going through the motions of a cover shoot, when suddenly a ghost-goblin made out of stretchy white fabric swooped in and swallowed her up. And the very moment of consumption was captured by the magazine’s cameras.
See how Gwyneth strains against the bonds of the apparition? Throwing back her shoulders in defiance as it attempts to inhabit her? These are the struggles of a woman accustomed to the spotlight. She never stopped smiling, even when it ate her all up and left a hole between her body and arm that you can see through. In fact, Gwyneth is such a professional that she still did the interview portion of the cover shoot, answering questions about her lauded child-rearing skills and how things change as her kids Apple and Moses get older:
“Last night, I was talking about that with my husband: it gets more complicated. The problems are getting more serious and I notice that they need me more now than even when they were very little. My daughter, for example, who is super-intelligent, asks me [tough] questions! I feel I have to constantly be by her side.”
See now this might sound kind of naive, for a parent to be so outwardly shocked that her kids still have need of her at the advanced ages of nine and seven — but you must again recall that as she said these things, a fabric spirit was passing through her body and supping on her organs. Listen again as she inexplicably lapses into British turns of phrase while responding to a question of whether she’d ever have a third child:
“I would love to, but I don’t know if I could start changing nappies again. Also, when my son was born I had terrible depression. It was strange because with my eldest it didn’t happen, I was super-happy. But with Moses it took me a year to get out of the hole.”
Yes yes, I would of course love to have a third child, but I was just remembering that the first two made me so unhappy that I probably shan’t. Now ta-ta, this dress monster wants to eat my face and it won’t take no for an answer! Remind my children that air is a carb! Sip, don’t gulp! Goodbye forev –
(Image: Marie Claire)