In case you’re not as up-to-date on imminent catastrophes of the televised variety as I am, let me be the first to inform you that there’s a show premiering tonight called Dads, and it’s supposed to be reeeeeal racist. Well, not ‘supposed to be’, persay. I assume that when the producers were creating this show, they weren’t demanding ever-more racist jokes and stereotypes…that just happens to be the way it turned out, according to early reviews. In addition to being racist, it’s apparently also poorly-written, pedantic, cheesy, and just all around not great. Dads is not great.
And as much as I really want to be judgier about that — and I promise I will be tomorrow, once I’ve seen it for myself and can speak authoritatively instead of relying on information secondhand — sometimes it’s hard to write a realistic sitcom because there’s so much in the real world that’s unrealistic. There are some dads out there who are so ridiculous that you couldn’t even write them into a show because they wouldn’t be believable as characters, and nowhere is that more evident than in the celebrity world.
I don’t know if it’s just because they’re famous so we pay more attention to them, or because they’re wealthy and feel entitled, or because they’re egomaniacs or whatever, but there are some really borderline dads in Hollywood. Dads who, if they were on TV, would fit right in as a funny/stupid/violent/embarrassing stock character who would further the plot.
On a television show, these guys would be just dumb enough to get the laugh line, or just scary enough to be the antagonist, or just clueless enough to humiliate their daughter in front of the entire prom…but in real life they grind everything to a halt as we’re like — I’m sorry, what?? What are you doing? Are you real, or did you escape from my DVR and come here to confuse me? And if so,
So in memoriam of the death of good TV and as a humble prayer to the dear sweet parenting gods in the sky that they may reward us here on earth with only excellent fathers from this moment forward, here are 14 Real Life Celebrity Dads Who’d Be Better As TV Dads.
1. ALEC BALDWIN
Casting Type: MAD DAD
Show Blurb: A short-tempered man struggles to continue to love his daughter, Ireland, even as she behaves like a little pig. Requires an actor skilled in stage violence, as this show features multiple fights with paparazzi.
2. SIMON COWELL
Casting Type: WHOOPSIE-DADSIES
Show Blurb: A man gets his best friend’s wife pregnant and they decide to raise the baby together, against all odds/advice. Please be advised that this role requires some chest-nudity as costumes include deep v-necks.
3. WILL SMITH
Casting Type: KID DAD
Show Blurb: A father begins a second childhood alongside the teenagers that he named after himself and his wife. Must be comfortable with inappropriate physical intimacy with oldest child, Jaden.
4. BILLY RAY CYRUS
Casting Type: DOTING DAD
Show Blurb: A daughter follows her father into the spotlight, and he abandons his career to focus full-time on giving interviews to excuse her erratic behavior. Only experienced actors need apply, as role requires constant adjustment to intense, scarring situations and video footage.
5. KANYE WEST
Casting Type: GOD DAD
Show Blurb: A man imagines himself to be a god, but once he has a child, will he try to raise it as Jesus or forget it in a studio somewhere? Only time will tell! Experienced ranters preferred.
6. PRINCE WILLIAM
Casting Type: BALD DAD
Show Blurb: A man attempts to raise a child to adulthood while he still has enough good lucks to be taken seriously as a parent/the sovereign of a country. A race against time, with it becoming more evident by the day exactly what little Georgie has to look forward to. Role requires a rapid and tragic deterioration of attractiveness — please be comfortable with long hours in the hair and makeup chair.
7. BRUCE JENNER
Casting Type: MOM DAD
Show Blurb: A middle-aged lesbian poses as the patriarch of a large clan of debutantes. All applicants should be open to ear piercings.
8. CHARLIE SHEEN
Casting Type: DRUG DAD
Show Blurb: A father becomes so erratic and out-of-control that his second wife is given custody of the children from his third marriage when he and his third wife are both in rehab at the same time. Plot is obviously too complicated so far; we’re currently working to clarify it in rewrites. Improvisational skills are a bonus — we want this character to sound like he’s speaking nonsense about 75% of the time.
9. MICHAEL LOHAN
Casting Type: BAD DAD
Show Blurb: A man creates a famous monster and releases her in New York City to hunt, maintaining communication solely via tell-all interviews and public brawls with her mother, his estranged wife. Please be prepared to spend substantial time in prison to research this role.
10. MARIO LOPEZ
Casting Type: SHOW DAD
Show Blurb: A father misses the birth of his own children and most major holidays because he’s too busy taking selfies. Previous experience with a laugh track and/or man pageants is desirable.
11. CHANNING TATUM
Casting Type: HOT DAD
Show Blurb: Little Everly grows up happy, only to discover on her sixteenth birthday that her father used to be a stripper. Even worse, there’s a whole feature film about it! Please do not submit unless you have substantial stripping experience and the kind of body that would embarrass the crap out of any future offspring.
12. TOM CRUISE
Casting Type: SCIENTOLOGY DAD
Show Blurb: Suri‘s father seems nice, but he hides a terrible secret — he’s an immortal beings whose body is inhabited by tiny aliens who operate him like a puppet and teach him secrets no one else can know. Hijinks ensue. Please send a photo of your eyes. (Non-crazy ones will be put on file for future projects.)
13. WILL ARNETT
Casting Type: DUMB DAD
Show Blurb: Little Archie and Abel struggle to find common ground with their father as they become aware that the woman he divorced is the perfect human. Please have the ability to cry on command.
14. DAVID BECKHAM
Casting Type: HUNG DAD
Show Blurb: In a world where their father’s penis is plastered on billboards as long as a city block, how will the Beckham boys ever purge that image from their memories and get their detective agency off the ground? Applicants, please forward extensive penile dimensions to our office; only extremely impressive specimens will be considered.
It’s been fun having all you guys, but kindly go back to the technicolor dreamworld from whence you came. Oh and tune in to watch Dads tonight at 8:00 on FOX if you want to be a part of our blistering commentary tomorrow.
(Lead Photo: FOX)