Do you ever have that thing where you’re totally into a someone before you’ve even met them? You’re making eye contact across the bar, or something, watching this person nonchalantly toss their hair or something, and you think to yourself, “That human person is such an ideal specimen that there is absolutely no way we won’t be perfect for one another.”
And then, by some miracle, something in your eyes convinces the person to walk over to you and you think your brain is about to burst into a cloud of happy butterflies, and this is the first day of the rest of your life and you can finally start planning that barefoot beach wedding…and then they open their mouth.
And guys. They’re an idiot. Like, not just stupid or dumb or drunk, but an idiot. And you falter for a second because you think you can still get back to that magical moment before you knew that they couldn’t recognize a photo of Mitt Romney in 2012 (true story) or before you experienced their version of a pick-up line, “Can I come to your apartment and have sex with you?” (another true story).
But as hard as you try, and as many times as you make them take their shirt off so you can gander at their stupid hairless pecs or smell their stupid fragrant hair, that moment where they still burned with the fire of a thousand attractive suns is gone, never to be seen again, and no amount of chasing that dragon will ever get it back.
Do you know that thing? Because I do. And although by some miracle I now have a boyfriend, so I don’t have to experience this in the real life dating world anymore, I still have to experience it with celebrities. And I figure I can’t be the only person who has people ruined for them once they open their mouth, so this is my call to arms, comrades! Join me on the battlefields of celebrity as we combat the dreaded ‘word vomit’ affect. Here are 15 Celebs I Thought Were Hot Until They Opened Their Mouths:
1. DAVID BECKHAM
Face? Very hot. Body? Very hot. Voice? Very disappointing. Cannot un-hear.
2. JESSICA SIMPSON
Girl, your body in Dukes Of Hazzards was one of the wonders of the modern world. I was jealous of you for a full week until I heard that ‘chicken of the sea’ comment. And now I can’t even look you in the eye.
3. ROBERT PATTINSON
Oh, R-Pattz. Somehow I was willing and able to look past your vampiric brooding in Twilight, but once I found out how bad your attitude was about the franchise that made you a star, that totally ruined it for me.
4. KIM KARDASHIAN
Let’s not forget that Kim Kardashian is a total babe. She just says so many dumb things all the time that no one in good conscience can have a crush on her.
5. TOM CRUISE
Scientology — the religion that cockblocks itself.
6. GWYNETH PALTROW
It’s amazing how unattractive someone becomes when you learn that their favorite foods are kale, air, and kale air.
7. WILL SMITH
Once upon a time I thought Will Smith was hot. And then I watched him kiss his son Jaden full on the mouth.
8. TAYLOR SWIFT
Taylor’s schtick only works as long as she’s unaware of how attractive she is. The moment she found out (I think John Mayer told her), she became totally unappealing to me.
9. RYAN LOCHTE
Poor, sweet, Summer of 2012 Alexis had such a crush on Ryan Lochte, splashing around in the lanes of that Olympic pool, water beading on his forehead and chest. But older, wiser Alexis of twelve days after the Olympics ended couldn’t fail to acknowledge that he’d peed in that water and had no brains in his head. RIP Olympian wet dreams.
10. KRISTEN STEWART
Who are you. Do you want to be famous or not? Do you hate me for thinking you’re attractive? I don’t know what the right thing is with you, K-Stew. TRYING TO LIKE YOU IS TOO EXHAUSTING.
11. JOHN MAYER
Speaking of John Mayer, here’s the old boy now! If his awkward o-face singing didn’t put you off the scent, I bet him talking about his sex life with his A-List exes did. That was enough for me, anyway.
12. LADY GAGA
In theory she’s an attractive girl, but in practice it’s like having a crush on Art or Pretension.
13. JAMES FRANCO
This one was a heavy loss to the community of attractive humans. But again — the minute he started talking to the media on a regular basis, I became aware of the fact that he’s a walking, talking social experiment.
Never has a more attractive person made me rue the creation of social media more.
15. SHIA LABEOUF
Oh Shia The Beef. Shave the douchey beard and get a time machine to undo everything you’ve ever said. Then we can talk.
And all you other celebrities out there — keep your claptraps shut until you have something intelligent to say. My crush list is getting dangerously short. Kristen Bell and John Krasinski are really carrying the team.