• Mon, Sep 16 - 5:00 pm ET

15 Celebs I Thought Were Hot Until They Opened Their Mouths

Kristen Wiig GIF(via)

Do you ever have that thing where you’re totally into a someone before you’ve even met them? You’re making eye contact across the bar, or something, watching this person nonchalantly toss their hair or something, and you think to yourself, “That human person is such an ideal specimen that there is absolutely no way we won’t be perfect for one another.”

And then, by some miracle, something in your eyes convinces the person to walk over to you and you think your brain is about to burst into a cloud of happy butterflies, and this is the first day of the rest of your life and you can finally start planning that barefoot beach wedding…and then they open their mouth.

And guys. They’re an idiot. Like, not just stupid or dumb or drunk, but an idiot. And you falter for a second because you think you can still get back to that magical moment before you knew that they couldn’t recognize a photo of Mitt Romney in 2012 (true story) or before you experienced their version of a pick-up line, “Can I come to your apartment and have sex with you?” (another true story).

But as hard as you try, and as many times as you make them take their shirt off so you can gander at their stupid hairless pecs or smell their stupid fragrant hair, that moment where they still burned with the fire of a thousand attractive suns is gone, never to be seen again, and no amount of chasing that dragon will ever get it back.

Do you know that thing? Because I do. And although by some miracle I now have a boyfriend, so I don’t have to experience this in the real life dating world anymore, I still have to experience it with celebrities. And I figure I can’t be the only person who has people ruined for them once they open their mouth, so this is my call to arms, comrades! Join me on the battlefields of celebrity as we combat the dreaded ‘word vomit’ affect. Here are 15 Celebs I Thought Were Hot Until They Opened Their Mouths:

1. DAVID BECKHAM

David Beckham Hi Beautiful(via)

Face? Very hot. Body? Very hot. Voice? Very disappointing. Cannot un-hear.

2. JESSICA SIMPSON

Jessica Simpson Shopping(via)

Girl, your body in Dukes Of Hazzards was one of the wonders of the modern world. I was jealous of you for a full week until I heard that ‘chicken of the sea’ comment. And now I can’t even look you in the eye.

3. ROBERT PATTINSON

Robert Pattinson Penguin(via)

Oh, R-Pattz. Somehow I was willing and able to look past your vampiric brooding in Twilight, but once I found out how bad your attitude was about the franchise that made you a star, that totally ruined it for me.

4. KIM KARDASHIAN

Kim Kardashian Mermaids(via)

Let’s not forget that Kim Kardashian is a total babe. She just says so many dumb things all the time that no one in good conscience can have a crush on her.

5. TOM CRUISE

Tom Cruise Glasses(via)

Scientology — the religion that cockblocks itself.

6. GWYNETH PALTROW

Gwyneth Paltrow The Royal Tenenbaums(via)

It’s amazing how unattractive someone becomes when you learn that their favorite foods are kale, air, and kale air.

7. WILL SMITH

Will Smith Working Out(via)

Once upon a time I thought Will Smith was hot. And then I watched him kiss his son Jaden full on the mouth.

8. TAYLOR SWIFT

Taylor Swift Ugh 2 Taylor Swift Ugh

(via)

Taylor’s schtick only works as long as she’s unaware of how attractive she is. The moment she found out (I think John Mayer told her), she became totally unappealing to me.

9. RYAN LOCHTE

Ryan Lochte Jeah Dance(via)

Poor, sweet, Summer of 2012 Alexis had such a crush on Ryan Lochte, splashing around in the lanes of that Olympic pool, water beading on his forehead and chest. But older, wiser Alexis of twelve days after the Olympics ended couldn’t fail to acknowledge that he’d peed in that water and had no brains in his head. RIP Olympian wet dreams.

10. KRISTEN STEWART

Kristen Stewart Cat(via)

Who are you. Do you want to be famous or not? Do you hate me for thinking you’re attractive? I don’t know what the right thing is with you, K-Stew. TRYING TO LIKE YOU IS TOO EXHAUSTING.

11. JOHN MAYER

John Mayer On Ellen(via)

Speaking of John Mayer, here’s the old boy now! If his awkward o-face singing didn’t put you off the scent, I bet him talking about his sex life with his A-List exes did. That was enough for me, anyway.

12. LADY GAGA

Lady Gaga Innocent(via)

In theory she’s an attractive girl, but in practice it’s like having a crush on Art or Pretension.

13. JAMES FRANCO

 

James Franco Flex(via)

This one was a heavy loss to the community of attractive humans. But again — the minute he started talking to the media on a regular basis, I became aware of the fact that he’s a walking, talking social experiment.

14. RIHANNA

Rihanna Hair(via)

Never has a more attractive person made me rue the creation of social media more.

15. SHIA LABEOUF

Shia Labeouf Smile(via)

Oh Shia The Beef. Shave the douchey beard and get a time machine to undo everything you’ve ever said. Then we can talk.

And all you other celebrities out there — keep your claptraps shut until you have something intelligent to say. My crush list is getting dangerously short. Kristen Bell and John Krasinski are really carrying the team.

Share This Post:
  • Olivia Wilson

    Poor, poor Ryan Lochte even got a show so that we could make fun of him after the Olympics ended and I don’t even think he knew that was why!

  • Miss Isis

    Love this article. Great list, great writing, great gifs..thanks for the laughs!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Thank YOU for the compliments! So glad you enjoyed it!

  • NickNack

    This has happened to me so much. I like someone, and then they talk, and I’m like Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect, “…ummm, better not.” I used to have a huge, HUGE crush on Joaquin Phoenix, and then well, Joaquin Phoenix…The people carrying my “crush” list are Zooey and Emily Deschanel, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Christoph Waltz.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      The things we learn when we get older and wiser.

    • Lisa

      Ooooh, I have a big crush on Christoph Waltz too. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.

  • Steve

    You’re fucking shitting me. John Mayer? John fucking Mayer? Seriously? And Robert Pattinson? God knows he was an idiot for starring in that franchise, but he is definitely not an idiot.
    And Taylor Swift, yes, I am well aware of your incredible hate, but she is far from an idiot. Anyone who is able to build up their own empire, marketing themselves, having their own social lives, writing their ow stuff, is definitely not an idiot. But, LOL, I don’t think she finds herself hot. I don’t think a lot of people do.
    P.S. Super-surprised you didn’t write Miley Cyrus.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I never found Miley attractive in the first place.

      And it’s not necessarily about them all being dumb, it’s just people who once they started talking really turned me off of them. It’s my personal opinion.

    • Steve

      You….you find Taylor Swift attractive?

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Physically, yeah. Definitely.

  • Suzanne VDE

    haha these girls you will find beautiful: http://dating.co/beautiful-bulgarian-girls/

  • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

    Oh man I had the total opposite reaction to Robert Pattinson hating Twilight. That made him super attractive to me. One of my favorite things about Twilight is just how much the entire cast hates it.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      For a while I agreed with you, because I’m not a fan of it either — but after a while I realized he’s just undermining his own work and the work of the entire cast and crew. If he really didn’t like it, he shouldn’t have done it; I have no sympathy for him having his cake (the money from the movie) and eating it too (insulting the fans whose support made him famous).

    • Alyssa

      I love Robert Pattinson so much for hating Twilight. I think his hate is great.

    • Alyssa

      I love Robert Pattinson so much for hating Twilight. I think his hate is great.

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  • Alyssa

    Upon reading this article I realized that I’ve never heard David Beckham’s voice before. Upon googling him and listening to it I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that bad. But then again I’ve never really had a celeb crush on him…

  • Alyssa

    Upon reading this article I realized that I’ve never heard David Beckham’s voice before. Upon googling him and listening to it I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that bad. But then again I’ve never really had a celeb crush on him…

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