There are some people in the world that it’s almost impossible for me to make fun of, because they’re such incredible caricatures of themselves, and one of those people is without a doubt Kris Jenner. (But before you get nervous, it’s only almost impossible for me to make fun of her. I will still be giving it my best effort, even though she does most of the work herself.)
So Kendall Jenner posted the above photo to Instagram of herself posing provocatively in a bikini. Which…I’m sure perked up a lot of ears over at TMZ, now that the countdown to her eighteenth birthday is well underway. But instead of doing what a normal parent might do, and recommending that her daughter not post photos to the internet in advance of becoming a legal adult that verrrry nearly show your vagine, Kris went a very public route, which she is wont to do, and posted her very own photo on Instagram with the caption, “Last day of summer gonna miss you.” And yes, she’s in a bikini. (Because of course she is.)
It’s such a highly Photoshopped glamor shot of Kris peeing in a pool that I can almost hear the photographer’s instructions now:
“Yeah that’s right Kris, just relax and let the piddles out. And now get your shoulders a little higher. No…yes…no…YES FREEZE THEM THERE. Up near your ears. That’s perfect. And tense your neck and your jaw up for me, if you could? That’s great. Oh no, don’t worry about your face at all. We’re just gonna swap it entirely out for one with all the glare, shadows, and wrinkles wiped out. Like, totally annihilated. We’re planning on taking ten years off you, and extracting it straight through your face. It’s gonna be mad sexy. No one will even remember that Kendall exists once they get a gander at this bad boy.”
Well it worked, Kristopher Jenner, because I didn’t feel compelled to write a single word about Kendall until I saw this glistening jewel in the Kardashian crown. So congratulations, girl. You wormed your way into the news cycle yet again. And now I have to go make an appointment at the doctor for a pair of glass eyes, so I don’t fall into your trap again.