After what feels like five decades judging singing competition shows, Simon Cowell finally showed off his own singing skills on The X Factor last night. There’s no word yet on what Simon’s chest hair thought of it, but my own chest hair absolutely loved it. And since I don’t have chest hair, you can figure out what I mean by that. Or you can just read the next sentence. It was bad.
It all started at the Denver auditions when Russ Pouliot, who calls himself the “next Sinatra” (spoiler alert: he’s not) sang Elvis Presley’s classic “Can’t Help Falling in Love” for the judges. Simon had one of his classic critiques ready, announcing that the guy sounded like he was drowning. Our favorite lady Demi Lovato, being the jokester that she is, said that if Russ had a British accent, he’d sound like Simon Cowell, suggesting that Simon sing himself. Kelly Rowland was so excited by this idea that she rushed the stage, stole the microphone from Russ’s hand and then held it under Simon’s mouth. And it was… not the best.
Simon of course took to Twitter last night to explain that he was only trying to imitate Russ’s performance. He even used the classic “period after every word” technique to make it clear that he was joking.
Just to be clear I was trying to sound like the guy who sang before me. It. Was. A. Joke.
— Simon Cowell (@SimonCowell) September 13, 2013
Sure, Simon. I’m sure you have an absolutely lovely singing voice, which is exactly why you choose never to let us hear it. Please excuse me while I sit back in my chair, rub my chest with both hands, and look utterly disinterested before saying simply, “It’s a no.” I would have gone all out and gotten a married lady pregnant first, but I’m a lady myself so that’s not possible. I did, however, make sure to brush my hair in the exact opposite manner a normal human would brush it.
You can see the full audition video below, but if you’re only interested in Simon’s performance, skip ahead to the four-minute mark.