• Thu, Sep 12 - 2:04 pm ET

TMZ Has Begun A Totally Appropriate Countdown To Kendall Jenner’s 18th Birthday

TMZ photo of Kendall Jenner in a bikini September 2013Aren’t you glad we learned our lesson from back in the pervy 2000s when we did countdowns to age eighteen for stars like Lindsay Lohan and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? Isn’t it nice to live in a post-pervy world where we have realized the error of our ways and no longer need to sexualize young women? I love it, personally.

Oh man, I’m so sorry you guys. I just realized I used the wrong keyboard to write that first paragraph. Someone replaced my regular keyboard with an opposite keyboard, and I typed that whole thing without realizing. Turns out none of the stuff I said up there about us not pre-sexualizing young women anymore was true. And in case you need proof of that fact, look no further than TMZ, who kindly started a countdown to Kendall Jenner‘s eighteenth birthday yesterday. It’s fifty-two days from now, guys, which serves as a helpful reminder that A. humans are the worst, and B. in a few months’ time, we all, as a nation, will all be exactly fifty-two days closer to…still never having one single shot with Kendall Jenner.

Because what is the point of these goddamn countdowns? What possibly is gonna change on that day? Are you gonna have sex with her? No. So what is it? Is it suddenly gonna be okay for you to post the bikini photos and close-ups of her under-butt? Or to make reference to her side boob? Or salivate over her scantily-clad Instagram photos? Because I’m pretty sure you already do all those things. In fact, you do them to Kendall’s sister Kylie Jenner as well, and she just turned sixteen.

So to whoever at TMZ wrote this post and published it under the name ‘TMZ Staff’ in order to avoid having their own name on this garbage nonsense, I hope you have a very happy November 3rd. I can’t wait to hear about what you do, and how life changes for you, and all about exactly why it’s acceptable for you to openly lust over a teenager, just because she happens to be a famous stranger.

Pull. It. Together. You’re disgusting.

(Image: TMZ)

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