• Thu, Sep 12 2013

Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The Harry Potter Sequel That Is Not A Seuqel

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find ThemAs you probably overheard in Diagon Alley this morning, JK Rowling announced via Facebook that she would be working with Warner Bros. to develop a Harry Potter spinoff movie. And by Diagon Alley, I mean everywhere. I do not know a single person between the ages of 10 – 45 who’s not currently dusting off their wizarding robe and practicing their incantation spells at this very moment. This is everything we’ve wished for and prayed for and memorized made-up spells for. THE BOY WHO LIVED IS BACK. Ish.

But before you quit your day job and start reapplying for Hogwarts, let’s go over some facts…and some fictions about this new movie. I wouldn’t want you spreading rumors and getting stuck tweeting “I will not tell lies” over and over again until you’ve learned your lesson. So with no further ado, here’s what you need to know about this new movie.

FACT: It is called Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and it’s based on the life of Newt Scamander, the author of the classic Hogwarts textbook of the same title.

FICTION: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a real book written by a real wizard about real beasts and the real locations where you can find them.

FACT: The movie will take place in the same wizarding world that Harry Potter and rag-tag team of death-eater-fighting friends lived in.

FICTION: Harry Potter and his rag-tag team of evil-wizard-fighting friends will be involved in the book in any way.

FACT: Newt’s story starts 70 years before Harry’s story in New York City.

FICTION: There will be a scene where Newt sleeps with Hannah Horvath after spending a leisurely day hunting down fantastic beasts in Brooklyn. That scene will be followed an overdramatic voiceover that starts with, “later that day, I got to thinking, maybe wizards and confused-twentysomethings with aspirations to be famous shouldn’t sleep together…”

FACT: There will be magic in the book.

FICTION: It will not be the kind of magic that Charlie used in Liar,Liar to stop his father from ever telling lies.

FACT: JK Rowling’s excited to continue writing about the wizarding world that she lived in for so long.

FICTION: JK Rowling is not and has never been a wizard herself.

FACT: There will be real human beings in this movie about a made-up world.

FICTION: Kris Jenner has committed to playing a fantastic beast that feasts solely on Google alerts.

FACT: JK Rowling went out of her way to thank Warner Bros’ Kevin Tsujihara for his support in her helping her with this project.

FICTION: JK Rowling thanked Jenni Maier for committing the majority of her teen years to lurking on fan forums and trying to figure out where all the horcruxes were hidden.

(Image: Wikia)

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  • Olivia Wilson

    Man, I’ve been waiting for a Harry Potter/Liar, Liar mashup for *ages* now. I guess I’ll have to wait a little longer.

  • ChiChi

    I never like Harry Potter. Never had, never will. I think everyone should just concentrat (I know I spelled that wrong, I’m just too lazy to look it up) on the new Hobbit movie.

    • Jenni

      But did you ever try to like it? I was anti-Harry-Potter until I had to read the book to some kids I was babysitting…and then I was hooked!

    • ChiChi

      I read and watched them all. I mean, I tried them. They just weren’t my cup of tea. Now…Hobbits are. My friend actually told me I was like a skinny dwarf-hobbit Hybrid. Thanks Richard.

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  • Sarah

    A true fan would know it’s actually “I must not tell lies”.

    • Jenni

      Where do I turn myself in?