• Wed, Sep 11 - 12:02 pm ET

We Rank X Factor Judges From Talented To ‘Why Are You Here?’

Demi and Simon X Factor USA GIF(via)

The U.S. version of X Factor returns tonight, and I’m not gonna lie, I barely — barely – take that show seriously. There are so many reality TV competitions out there these days that I can’t keep up with all their variations. I cut out on American Idol a long time ago, and now I tend to stick to programmes (yeah you like my fancy British lady spelling?) that show me steaming plates of food or bizarre sociological experiments in the form of dating competitions. YOU KNOW HOW I ROLL.

But that’s just me. I know there are a lot of people out there who still get enjoyment from shows like this, so I’m gonna cater to you guys for a little bit. Because I’m selfless. OKAY?!?

One of the only things I’m aware of from this show is that it’s had pretty much a revolving door of judges and hosts since it first began airing in 2011. It’s not up to AI status yet, but it hasn’t been on the air for nearly as long…so I’m guessing it’ll get there. But believe it or not, they’ve already had nine judges and three hosts in three seasons, some of whom I hear about and am like, “Um I’m sorry who now?”

So in honor of my ignorance about this show, and the total lack of credibility for some of the celebrities on its payroll, we here at Crushable decided to rank the X Factor judges from ‘talented’ to ‘why are you here?’ And we threw in the hosts as well, just because we wanted to. Get over it.

1. SIMON COWELL (2011 – )

Simon Cowell Laughing(via)

RANKING: .
For the man who put together One Direction, the most popular band in the world, on a whim after ten minutes of thought, there is no position too high on this list.

2. L.A REID (2011 – 2012)

LA Reid Fans(via)

RANKING: Make yourself comfortable.
Even though he’s no longer on the show, L.A. is the man behind the multi-platinum status of acts like Justin Bieber, Rihanna, and Kanye West. I think he knows from star power.

3. MARIO LOPEZ (2012 – )

Mario Lopez Dances With Ellen(via)

RANKING: Lemme give you my keys.
I can’t prove this, but I’m fairly sure that Mario Lopez was actually born in the spotlight. He’s been on television for pretty much his whole life, and he is 100% qualified to host a show like this.

4. DEMI LOVATO (2012 – )

Demi Lovato Laugh(via)

RANKING: Stay as long as you like.
Guest towels are under the sink, there are clean sheets on the bed, and anything you find in the fridge is up for grabs. She’s solid on her career, has life experiences under her belt, and is poised under pressure. Demi can hang.

5. PAULINA RUBIO (2013 – )

Paulina Rubio Cup(via)

RANKING: What was your name again? Right right right.
I know we don’t know each other that well, but Wikipedia says you’re legit and that you’ve been in the business since 1981, so I’ll let the internet vouch for you, just this once. But I’ve got my eye on you, girl.

6. KELLY ROWLAND (2013 – )

Kelly Rowland Shocked(via)

RANKING: I’m on the fence.
I can’t decide if being the less-famous member of a girl group gives you more or less credibility as a judge. I’m thinking more, because there were a lot of opportunities for sitting around and judging.

7. BRITNEY SPEARS (2012)

Britney Spears Shocked(via)

RANKING: Eeeeasy girl. Take it easy. You’re safe now.
I love me some Britney, but she’s never fully recovered from her meltdown, and let’s not pretend that she ever had control over her own career in the first place, ergo any credibility to judge the potential of someone else’s. Stunt-casting if I’ve ever seen it.

8. CHERYL COLE (2011)

Cheryl Cole GIF(via)

RANKING: Beautiful stranger.
Quickly! Name one thing she’s done! Cheryl hosted the UK version with great success, and I’m sure she’s great and all, but she’s just not a big enough name to gain credibility here.

9. PAULA ABDUL (2011)

Paula Abdul Wave(via)

RANKING: How did you get in here?
Like a little raccoon who sneaks up on your porch and steals your trashcan lids, Paula just has a way of getting herself on judging panels. I don’t know how she does it, because she certainly doesn’t belong there, but I do have to give her some points for her tenacity.

10. KHLOE KARDASHIAN (2012)

Khloe Kardashian Laughing(via)

RANKING: Pull it together, lady.
Aside from showing us her nipple that one time, Khloe has very little to add to a television show that isn’t directly based on her own life and the life of her family. Stay close to the rest of the Kardashians, Khloe, so that you can continue to shine like the jewel in that tarnished crown. Outside of KUWTK you hold it together or you’re gonna get fired off a show that shouldn’t have hired you in the first place.

11. NICOLE SHERZINGER (2011)

Nicole Scherzinger Holla(via)

RANKING: Explain yourself.
I’m sorry, but what is your purpose here? Let she who has an actual career in any field cast the first stone.

12. STEVE JONES (2011)

RANKING: None.
A man so unmemorable that I literally can’t even find a GIF for him.

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  • Olivia Wilson

    I didn’t even know that Cheryl Cole was on the American one. It’s so hard to keep up.

    • JLH1986

      I think there was some crazy drama before Khloe K. came on board because Cowell kicked her to the curb. I think.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Ahh, that does sound familiar.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      That’s why I don’t.

  • ChiChi

    Who’s Steve Jones? Is he related to Steve Jobs? I hate all those, look at me, I can’t sing shows. Stick to NCIS and The Middle.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      He’s exactly like Steve Jobs, except less famous.

    • ChiChi

      So he’s a geek responsible for creating my school’s tech lab equipment? Weird.

      I just googled him. According to Wikiapedia, Steve Jones is ‘a British television presenter. Jones is primarily known as presenter ofChannel 4′s teen schedule T4. In the United States, he was known as the host of the first season of The X Factor USA.’. I hope this gif I found of him works.

  • FauxRealFaux

    LA Ried is also responsible for artists like Usher, Pink, TLC, Mariah Carey, Neyo, Ciara, Outkasts, and Rick Ross….So he should have been number 1 on the list.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I thought about that, but I think Simon is more suited to the reality TV world, so he edged LA out in my mind. LA definitely beats him out in the musical world. All day.

  • Name

    I felt things in my sad place for honestly not really knowing most of these people and only barely understanding x-factor (both as a noun and an adjective…is it a verb yet? To x-fact?) But I am always fascinated by the internet’s ability to whittle a human down into a looping hellscape of embarrassment. One day I hope to train my brain to see these moments and create a collection of lost souls of my very own!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      We talkin’ GIFs, here? I like GIFs!

  • Inverted

    “we here at Crushable decided to rank the X Factor judges from ‘talented’ to ‘why are you here?’”

    How is Nicole Scherzinger ranked the lowest if this list is ranked on talent? She’s the only judge in the X Factor USA franchise who can actually sing. Only Demi comes close. Kelly is average. I don’t think we need to talk about Paula, Britney and Cheryl’s limited vocal abilities.

    And btw Nicole actually formed One Direction on X Factor UK, not Simon. She suggested that they join together as a group instead of continuing as solo contestants when replaced Cheryl. Look it up.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      The One Direction movie ‘This Is Us’ wants me to think otherwise. And if you think Nicole Scherzinger is a better singer than Demi Lovato, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

    • Inverted

      Thankfully the show that One Direction were actually formed on specifically shows otherwise, whether anyone wants to think so or not. Again, look it up if you haven’t actually watched the show.

      As for who’s the better singer between the two, it’s not even a contest. Demi does not have the range that Scherzinger does:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivOrKizry94

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Disagree strongly.

    • Inverted

      You’ve already established how biased you are with the blog entry above (and in the comments) so even you disagree, it’s hard to take seriously.

      Anyway… the performance in the video sings volumes about the topic. Scherzinger has close to a 5-octave range with her only major flaw being her shouts while belting. Demi Lovato is a good singer with a decent 3-octave range, but her head voice and lower register need work. She would never able to pull that off and definitely not the finale in this:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE6SRBnDHx8

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It’s a good thing you aren’t biased!