The U.S. version of X Factor returns tonight, and I’m not gonna lie, I barely — barely – take that show seriously. There are so many reality TV competitions out there these days that I can’t keep up with all their variations. I cut out on American Idol a long time ago, and now I tend to stick to programmes (yeah you like my fancy British lady spelling?) that show me steaming plates of food or bizarre sociological experiments in the form of dating competitions. YOU KNOW HOW I ROLL.
But that’s just me. I know there are a lot of people out there who still get enjoyment from shows like this, so I’m gonna cater to you guys for a little bit. Because I’m selfless. OKAY?!?
One of the only things I’m aware of from this show is that it’s had pretty much a revolving door of judges and hosts since it first began airing in 2011. It’s not up to AI status yet, but it hasn’t been on the air for nearly as long…so I’m guessing it’ll get there. But believe it or not, they’ve already had nine judges and three hosts in three seasons, some of whom I hear about and am like, “Um I’m sorry who now?”
So in honor of my ignorance about this show, and the total lack of credibility for some of the celebrities on its payroll, we here at Crushable decided to rank the X Factor judges from ‘talented’ to ‘why are you here?’ And we threw in the hosts as well, just because we wanted to. Get over it.
1. SIMON COWELL (2011 – )
For the man who put together One Direction, the most popular band in the world, on a whim after ten minutes of thought, there is no position too high on this list.
2. L.A REID (2011 – 2012)
RANKING: Make yourself comfortable.
Even though he’s no longer on the show, L.A. is the man behind the multi-platinum status of acts like Justin Bieber, Rihanna, and Kanye West. I think he knows from star power.
3. MARIO LOPEZ (2012 – )
RANKING: Lemme give you my keys.
I can’t prove this, but I’m fairly sure that Mario Lopez was actually born in the spotlight. He’s been on television for pretty much his whole life, and he is 100% qualified to host a show like this.
4. DEMI LOVATO (2012 – )
RANKING: Stay as long as you like.
Guest towels are under the sink, there are clean sheets on the bed, and anything you find in the fridge is up for grabs. She’s solid on her career, has life experiences under her belt, and is poised under pressure. Demi can hang.
5. PAULINA RUBIO (2013 – )
RANKING: What was your name again? Right right right.
I know we don’t know each other that well, but Wikipedia says you’re legit and that you’ve been in the business since 1981, so I’ll let the internet vouch for you, just this once. But I’ve got my eye on you, girl.
6. KELLY ROWLAND (2013 – )
RANKING: I’m on the fence.
I can’t decide if being the less-famous member of a girl group gives you more or less credibility as a judge. I’m thinking more, because there were a lot of opportunities for sitting around and judging.
7. BRITNEY SPEARS (2012)
RANKING: Eeeeasy girl. Take it easy. You’re safe now.
I love me some Britney, but she’s never fully recovered from her meltdown, and let’s not pretend that she ever had control over her own career in the first place, ergo any credibility to judge the potential of someone else’s. Stunt-casting if I’ve ever seen it.
8. CHERYL COLE (2011)
RANKING: Beautiful stranger.
Quickly! Name one thing she’s done! Cheryl hosted the UK version with great success, and I’m sure she’s great and all, but she’s just not a big enough name to gain credibility here.
9. PAULA ABDUL (2011)
RANKING: How did you get in here?
Like a little raccoon who sneaks up on your porch and steals your trashcan lids, Paula just has a way of getting herself on judging panels. I don’t know how she does it, because she certainly doesn’t belong there, but I do have to give her some points for her tenacity.
10. KHLOE KARDASHIAN (2012)
RANKING: Pull it together, lady.
Aside from showing us her nipple that one time, Khloe has very little to add to a television show that isn’t directly based on her own life and the life of her family. Stay close to the rest of the Kardashians, Khloe, so that you can continue to shine like the jewel in that tarnished crown. Outside of KUWTK you hold it together or you’re gonna get fired off a show that shouldn’t have hired you in the first place.
11. NICOLE SHERZINGER (2011)
RANKING: Explain yourself.
I’m sorry, but what is your purpose here? Let she who has an actual career in any field cast the first stone.
12. STEVE JONES (2011)
A man so unmemorable that I literally can’t even find a GIF for him.