Colin Firth turns 53 years old today. Which, I think we can all agree, is very old. Like dad old. Yet, for some reason, I’m still attracted to him. Dear heart, riddle me that. How can I still want to have casual sex with a man who’s old enough to be someone’s father? NVM heart, I actually know the answer. It’s all about the accent. Show me a mediocre looking man with a British accent and I’ll show you a blogger who will drop everything to move across the pond to marry him. Why, if I had a pound for every time I wrote a guy off…and then wrote him back on when he opened his mouth and revealed an accent, I’d have 9 pounds. Exactly. So in honor of Colin Firth having a birthday, I thought we could discuss these other fine chaps whose accents also make them much better looking.
1. Nicholas Hoult
Look, we’re inclined to like Warm Bodies star Nicholas Hoult because of his on-again/off-again association with Jennifer Lawrence. But we’re attracted to him because of his brilliant accent. Why, I’d gladly welcome a zombie invasion if they all spoke like Brits. “Pardon me, may I please eat you brains kind sir?”
2. Robert Pattinson
While I spent several years mocking Twihards for falling so hard for this greasemop with half-closed eyes, I finally got it during his press tour for Breaking Dawn 2 last fall. Hearing his accent changes, um, I don’t know, everything.
3. Hugh Laurie
If this guy showed up at your door with an American accent, you’d lock it. His eyes are what doctors call dead. But once he spoke, you’d open up the door and invite him in for tea. I mean, my goodness, he’s a Cambridge man from Oxford. Those are two British words that even a boorish American like myself can recognize as very significant.
4. Rupert Everett
Remember this fellow from My Best Friend’s Wedding? Could an American guy ever pull off the name Rupert? I think not. How about acting in a full-length movie with Madonna? I know not. Sure he’s looking a little bit like a Ken Doll who got stuck in the washing machine these days, but to each his own aging process.
5. Hugh Grant
Can we all agree that this guy’s kind of a giant douchebag in real life. But kind of gets away with it because he’s incredibly charming. I can’t even tell you how many times his voice has convinced me to watch Two Weeks Notice in its entirety? (I mean, I could, but really, it’s embarrassing.)
6. Ralph Fiennes
May Dumbledore strike me down for saying this, but I like Ralph Fiennes. Only a British fellow could get away with with playing the worst wizard of all time and still be on my list of men I’d “eat fish and chips with.” Fish and chips is a classic British euphemism for sexual intercourse, right?
7. Tom Hardy
When I first caught sight of this guy, I thought he looked a little goofy. A little bit like he copied and pasted Angelina Jolie’s lips onto this face. Then I heard him in an interview and it was all history. Old history. As old as the Battle of Hastings in 1066. May I be lucky enough to see him in all four of the movies he’s starring in this year. Including the horribly named Mad Max: Fury Road.
8. Damian Lewis
While I sometimes feel funny crushing on Homeland’s star terrorist (and a red-headed one at that), I try to soothe myself by remembering what he sounds like in real life. And that’s adorably British. Let’s just give him all the Emmys. And the BAFTAs. And our best photos of ourselves doing the classic Claire Danes cry face.
9. Dominic West
The only thing that keeps Dominic West off my “how do I know that actor?” list is the fact that his accent always reminds me. Naturally he played Professor Bill Dunbar in Mona Lisa Smile. That’s how we all know him, right? Oh fine, also he did a long stint on The Wire. But I’m proud to say that he’ll always be a rom-com guy in my heart.