I’ve been so deprived of Sister Wives lately, you guys. Last week was Labor Day, so the whole office was off and romping around with much more exciting things to do than keep track of polygamists. Or so we thought at the time. In reality nothing is more exciting than keeping track of polygamists, particularly The Brown Family.
Last week was apparently a question and answer session with Kody and all four wives, but we were back to the tried-and-true formula with last night’s episode. And guys! It was scary! I’d gotten almost desensitized to the show as of a couple weeks ago, but coming back to it without my tolerance built up was super scary.
So in honor of that, here are the 22 Scariest Parts Of Sister Wives Last Night:
- Christine calling that area her ‘backyard’ when there’s no vegetation in sight and it’s blatantly a kid-run Shantytown.
- Only after having six kids each are Christine and Janelle allowed to say they don’t want to have any more babies.
- The fact that Janelle’s house is so expansive that she literally loses her kids in it. HOW ARE THEY PAYING FOR THIS.
- That duffel bag of Kody’s is probably plastic-based, right? So when we’re burning that and the kids are all breathing the fumes from it…no one else is at all nervous about that?
- The fact that Janelle is the only sister wife who enjoys when Kody leaves because she likes having her place to herself. I mean maybe don’t enter a plural marriage if you always want your husband around. Just an idea.
- Kody designing jewelry. Just seems like a hot mess waiting to happen.
- …which he proves when the animal he originally assigns Meri is a dog. A DOG. When his other wives are, like, a phoenix and a fairy.
- Doesn’t it kinda seem like they’re getting that monogamous couple interested in polygamy? Runnnnn.
- They think that cocktail waitresses are scantily-clad, but they like the mermaids in that tank. Even though they’re not polygamist mermaids.
- The Mormon Church is opposed to casinos…unless you want to sell your jewelry line in one of them, I guess.
- The name of the store ‘Guilt’ was enough to make Robyn ‘a little nervous’ about what she was going to find inside.
- The Guilt storeowner saying, ‘What a wonderful family.’
- Kody thinking that he’s masculine enough to wear that apron.
- We found out that Janelle started her first diet at age eight. That’s so tough.
- Janelle’s personal trainer is clearly a workout pirate.
- I’m panicking just imagining trying to lose weight with six kids and only a quarter of a husband.
- This whole conversation between Meri and Kody about having another baby. God and nature aren’t ‘burning him up about it’, so he’s saying no even though it’s what Meri wants.
- The fact that he doesn’t want Meri to go see a doctor, and just wants to sit on the decision before he gets any new information. To ‘sit on the no’, in his words, and just see if Meri ‘wakes up crying in the middle of the night’ or whatever. Jesus Christ.
- The prospect of Meri and Kody figuring out who they are together now…after twenty years of marriage. When he has three other wives. And they’re about to be empty nesters when Mariah goes to college. Or Meri is, anyway — as she points out, Kody won’t be an empty nester for years, so she has to go through this on her own.
- Meri saying to Robyn, “Oh I’ve prayed to feel something and I just don’t feel anything.”
- Kody’s contribution to the discussion: “For her, the great thing about being a woman is that she can change her mind.” Wow.
- The episode ending with Meri asking herself, “What value am I to the family?”
(Image: The Stir)