Listen, I think One Direction is great. I really do. I keep up with their movements, writing about them pretty much every day, and I even spent my own money to watch This Is Us over my birthday weekend. My…twenty-sixth birthday weekend. But I would never go so far as to label myself a Directioner, and here’s why: THEY BE REAL CRAZY.
Case in point — this weekend, one of the 1D lads, Louis Tomlinson, was playing in a charity soccer match. I don’t know if all of you know this, but he recently ‘signed a non-professional contract with Championship side Doncaster’. (I put that in quotes in hopes that it makes sense to at least some of you as more than just a string of unconnected nonsense words, which is what it looks like to me.) So anyway, he was playing in the ‘Stiliyan Petrov #19 Legends charity football match’ (more nonsense words), and took a hit from another player, a man by the name of Gabriel ‘Gabby’ Agbonlahor.
According to humans who know much more about this than I, the hit was a legal one, but it caused an injury to Louis, who went to the ground holding his knee, and later threw up on the sidelines after being substituted. As a side note, from the photo above, it looks like all Louis had to eat that day was a big bag of astronaut food. Look at the way the little droplets of it are hovering as if it’s zero gravity. It’s mesmerizing. Oh not but wait! It found its way out in a much more expeditious manner. (Annnnd here comes a photo of Louis Tomlinson vomiting.)
Gross, right? So foul. Some might say that this sort of thing is just an unfortunate hazard of playing a sport non-professionally, and that surely the guy who tackled him didn’t mean anything by it.
But none of those people would be Directioners, because they’re really busy sending death threats to Gabby on the internet. Which is fun and not at all inappropriate, right? Just like when they didn’t like Louis’ girlfriend Eleanor Calder and wanted him to get together with his ex, Hannah. That was totally acceptable and you guys should absolutely be in charge of Louis’ life on that level.
Sigh. It does seem like Louis is okay, though, as he was able to limp off the field. Please send him good thoughts! And zero death threats. Although I can’t believe I even have to say that.